DM: “As your ship approaches land, you can see the seaside town in the distance. And in the middle of that town, you see two plumes of black smoke rising up.”
me, long ago, perfectly innocent: hm, i don’t have a lot of followers, but i wanna perform well for them so i’m going to construct a good queue system and post content that they’ll enjoy !!
Bard: Some cultures believe that the Creator sang the universe into existence, which is both correct and completely literal. Using scraps of divine melodies stolen from those few beings old enough to have heard them first-hand, a bard beguiles and bamboozles the very fabric of Creation into carrying out her wishes – in essence, successfully impersonating God. (This is why bardic spells depend on Charisma – when running a con job, projecting confidence is more important than getting the fine details right!) Demonstrating bardic magic in the presence of angels and other celestial beings is not recommended.
Cleric: Contrary to popular belief, clerical magic does not flow from a divine patron, nor from the cleric’s own belief in her principles; there are clerics dedicated to philosophies with no identifiable deity, and even a few clerics who believe in nothing at all. Rather, clerics are able to perform miracles because other people believe they can. The humble village priest’s power is limited by her small audience, while the truly mighty cultivate reputations known by millions. Many of the most powerful clerics are hereditary monarchs, trading on the fact that “everyone knows” the hands of a King are the hands of a healer. Confusingly, the gods do exist, but have nothing to do with the magic of their self-appointed representatives.
Wizard: “Spells” are living – albeit intangible – creatures that the wizard induces to inhabit her brain. They produce magical effects on demand as payment for the wizard’s cranial hospitality. High-level wizards learn to cultivate more spacious and luxurious mental accommodations, allowing them to house both larger numbers of spell-creatures and more demanding ones. While most low level spell-creatures are essentially interchangeable, high level spells (particularly those of 6th level or greater) may be named individuals with distinct personalities and opinions; a wizard who repeatedly prepares a particular spell may end up with the same entity over and over again.
Favorite image of the day: A photo taken by Brett Cizek of a common merganser with a massive brood of over 50 ducklings trailing after her. Biologists guess that she picked up at least a couple dozen who got separated from their mother, and maybe a few more pre-hatching since ducks often lay a couple eggs in other ducks’ nests as a way of not…er…putting all their eggs in one basket. So big broods are not uncommon, but this is definitely larger than usual.
Apparently since this photo was taken, she’s picked up another two dozen and is now wandering around Bemidji, MN, with over 70 ducklings in tow.
Okay, it’s official. I’ve found my favourite historical anecdote of all time.
So in ancient Rome they had this tradition where they had to consult the gods and check they had divine approval before they went into battle. They did this by bringing forth a flock of sacred chickens and throwing grain at them. Their behaviour would then determine whether or not the gods were on your side. If the hens didn’t eat or wouldn’t leave their cage, it was a Bad Omen and you had to postpone battle and ask again the next day. If the chickens ate happily it was a Good Omen and you could go and chop up some Gauls or Carthaginians or whoever you happened to be fighting.
Now, there are lots of little stories about these chickens, but I just found one I hadn’t seen before. In 137 BC, the consul C. Hostilius Mancinus tried to take auspices before battle, but:
the chickens once released from their cage fled into a nearby wood and even though they were sought with the greatest diligence, they could not be recovered.
Can you fucking believe that. Can you actually believe that happened. The Romans have a reputation for being so stern and sensible and stoic and that happened. Like… everyone’s ready for battle, so you turn to your assistant and say “BRING FORTH THE CHICKENS” and you throw down the grain and open up their cage and the chickens just. run. they fucking run. those tiny velociraptor bastards abscond screaming into the woods like there’s no tomorrow. Blinking in disbelief, you send soldiers into the woods to recover them but those feathered bandits are gone. Vanished. The gods have deserted you. You’re beating bushes and following the sounds of triumphant clucks. The soldiers are frantic. The chickens are gone.
He lost the battle. It was a Bad Omen.
That sounds like the ultimate Bad Omen like at that point you go home and start drawing up an armistice bc the gods told you to go fuck yourself with chickens
That’s… pretty much what happened. The chicken omen, along with a few other Bad Omens, resulted in:
infelici pugna, turpi foedere, deditione funesta
“a lost battle, a shameful peace treaty, and a calamitous handover.”
so yeah, he lost the battle and had to go home and sign an embarrassing peace treaty that the Romans complained about years later, and when they talk about him they curse him for his praecipitem audaciam – “reckless audacity” – and vesana perseverantia “insane obstinacy” because NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU’D LISTENED TO THE CHICKENS AND POSTPONED BATTLE LIKE THEY TOLD YOU.
Don’t forget naval commander Claudius Pulcher, whose sacred chickens refused to eat anything before the battle of Drepana. He tossed the chickens overboard, saying if they won’t eat, then let them drink, and went into battle where he promptly lost almost all of his ships and crew. I forget if he died or returned to Rome in disgrace, but it was a freaking disaster and the sacred chickens called it.
on the subject of bots, runescape had literally the best way of dealing with their botting problem:
if an account was detected using bot software, they would be instantly teleported to a hearing from a witchfinder general style npc, where other players could watch and throw rotten tomatoes at them. then the audience could vote on how the person on trial would be killed as punishment, and THEN the botter was permanently banned afterwards. it was the funniest shit ever
How dare this fandom not have a fanfiction written about this very specific and complex idea that only I have thought of and never asked anyone to write about.
honestly the idea of sarek just like…collecting children is so funny to me because the more children he has, the more ridiculous spock is for never mentioning any of them
like imagine one day spock takes jim to visit his family and jim is like…….spock….there are thirty people here, wtf….and spock is just like yup
broke: spock doesn’t talk about his family bc he’s closed off and weird about it
woke: spock doesn’t talk about his family cos he can’t fucking keep track of how many relatives he has
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