Entirely for @hellmandraws‘ amusement, and to defend America from the charge of being “weakass babies” I’m going to liveblog eating licorice candy.
okay first of all, the packaging. there’s a cartoon monkey ecstatically making love to a candy monkey. Perhaps an indicator of the orgasmic bliss I’m about to experience. 12/10. my hopes, like the people who designed this bag, are obviously very high
the candy looks like rocks and not jaunty little monkeys. huge disappointment. I had to recreate stonehenge to rally my flagging spirits. 2/10
First taste: wow this is salty! I think I actually like this. I love anise so I’m pretty sure this is going to be a trip to flavortown. 8/10 me rn:
OMG THE SALT WORE OFF IT’S SO MUCH WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED.
IT’S LIKE EATING A SHOE.
IS THIS CANDY?
IS THIS WHAT MAKES SCANDINAVIANS SO POWERFUL?
I’m chewing and it won’t go away
it’s stuck to my teeth, I’ll be tasting this forever. shards of this will be discovered in my teeth when my body is excavated from an archeological dig tens of thousands of years in the future. somehow the smell has traveled up through my nasal cavity and all I can sense, hear, or experience is licorice. the world is an empty vessel filled with remorse and the cloying smell of decay. I’m at the nadir of my existence. -100/12
somehow, here, standing at the edge of eternity, the darkness that consumed me birthed me anew. I’m not only ready for another candy, I’m eager. I can, nay I must, immediately eat another
oh wow it’s salty! 8/10
this time I’m ready for the salt to wear off.
I WAS NOT READY
the flavor this time was different, and somehow so much worse. instead of the leather of a shoe, it was like eating an entire shoe factory. the industrial rubber of the forklift tires, a hint of diesel as secretive as a volkswagen scandal, a soupçon of hot tin roof, the sweat of non-unionized labor, and a pervasive sense that while we’re all in this together, some of us are more all in this than others. 1/10 throw off your shackles, taste buds
I can’t believe it but I’m into this. I like this. shocked and disgusted with myself, I shove 2 more into my mouth concurrently.
conclusion: I’ve become addicted to licorice candy. what is in this. how do I get more. I hate this? I hate this. I willingly admit I’m a weakass baby. 100/10 will cycle through destruction and rebirth willingly and with open eyes, albeit it with teeth that will never again be clean.
“uggh I can’t believe people are horny for Venom of all characters” do you…are you not aware of who Venom is like…as a character….a concept…Venom is the fuckiest character in Marvel history..this is literally the least surprising outcome
Venom is an alien slime that bonds to you physically and emotionally and transforms you into a muscle monster with huge teeth and a three-foot tongue and you’re SHOCKED that people want to get in on that? do you live in a cave?
THEORY: those are all people who aren’t into dudes so like, they’re super straight guys and super gay ladies who just haven’t seen she-venom yet
there’s a venom for everybody
oh??
some of you are furries????
oh??
some of you are carfuckers??
If we’re talking vehicle Venom’s…
(Warning: transformation apparently designed by a madman. and is frustrating)
yeah see they even got you covered if you’re into them transformlybots! You can’t wait to get up in that blocky metal chassis! In a sexual fashion I’ll bet!
I get it, though, some of you aren’t into any of this stuff
but….
I raise you ….
….whatever this is:
eh??
eh???????
Just kidding, of course I know what that is, it’s fish man venom with a moray eel hand riding an inflatable stingray version of himself.
So I’m watching a Sir David Attenborough (Natural Curiousities on Netflix), to cope withe the crushing lonliness of solo housesitting, and he’s on about Really Weird animals and talks about the origins of the pheonix- a bird that people travelling though Africa only rarely saw shrouded in the streamy mists of volcanic soda lakes (which are literally boiling hot and also extremely caustic).
And all they’d see is the occasional bit of bright red plumage and see these things bobbing in and out of the horrible death clouds coming off the lake, and naturally came up with the myth of a firebird what the fuck ELSE would be living IN A GODDAMN VOLCANO??
The Central Africans told this to the Egyptians who told the Greeks* about this mysterious animal, and they ran hog-wild with it to create the now-famous Pheonix, but-
The bird they were seeing in those volcanic lakes?
*There is significant academic debate about who told who what when (esp as the firebird myth has cropped up multiple times and been culturally exchanged many, MANY times) but the Flamingo>Egyptian Bennu>Greek Pheonix>European Pheonix chain is fairly well agreed upon.
Sorcerer: *Kills an important NPC*
Sorcerer: *Avoids meeting the entire rest of the party*
Sorcerer: *Spends the entire session killing people, trading leather bags they stole, trying to fuck a bartender*
Sorcerer: How come I don’t get to be involved in the main plot yet???
This Is a Backup Blog 