you know what i don’t see enough of? circus kid dick grayson critiquing the joker because he’s a bad clown. not like, bad, and also a clown. but bad at being a clown. i want to see dick grayson taking the existence of this horrible clown very personally as a matter of professional pride. he has known clowns, and you, sir, are no clown. the joker is an insult to the legacy of emmett kelly and this shall not stand.
do you think they refuse because he’s not a real clown
like someone inquires about the joker and so they put out a press release to state that not only is he not registered with clowns international, they will not be accepting applications from the fucking joker, because he’s not even a clown and he doesn’t even wear makeup, you don’t get to register your regular-ass non-clown face
batman has to theoretically protect the fucking clown egg registry from the joker throwing a tantrum, but quite frankly he doesn’t have to do much because it’s the joker versus an army of real actual clowns defending the history of their noble profession
Never actually seen it occur in canon, but I always imagine a young Dick Grayson at the start of his crime-fighting career, before people started to recognize Robin, busting out some circus skills as a distraction technique.
Like there’s a bunch of mobsters or whatever planning an assassination and then, boom, suddenly there’s a brightly-colored child standing on the table across the room, juggling and humming ‘Entrance of the Gladiators’, doing six backflips in a row, and then balancing on one hand from the back of a chair. He does a somersault and then bows deeply. The mobsters begin to clap, impressed despite their confusion. No one even thinks that Batman might be involved—this is so not his M.O. Is this kid a joke? Hired entertainment? Is it someone’s surprise birthday party? Will there be a cake?
And then it’s over before it began. They never got a chance to throw a single punch before Batman caught them.
Not only is this completely in line with Golden Age Robin but I think this would be the most cathartic thing for young Dick. “I’m unsure of your live fighting capabilities yet so preform some of your favorite sequences while I go out and punch the surrogates for your parents murderer. Keep going until I give you the signal to stop or I join in.”
“Dick, I believe in you, but you’re ten years old and weigh, like, 70 pounds soaking wet. I’ll train you to punch and kick like the best of them, but for now I think you should stick to what you do best: flips ‘n’ shit. Be adorable. Bask in the attention. Be too gosh darn cute to shoot at, and if that fails, be too fucking agile to actually hit. I’ll take care of the ‘gratuitous violence’ part.”
Seeing John Mulaney do his ‘Robot Test’ bit has given me a strong desire to see him play a live action Riddler.
But not like, as any character other than John Mulaney? Like, let’s make a John Mulaney version of Edward Nigma. Just this socially awkward disaster man who somehow becomes a supervillain because of a misunderstanding he couldn’t correct without ‘seeming rude’. And now supposedly he’s committed to killing Batman but he doesn’t actually want to be the cause of a man’s death so he just obfuscates things with ‘clues’ and ‘riddles’ and ‘battles of wits’ until Batman inevitably defeats him and he’s just like ‘oh thank god please don’t hit me’.
Batman’s like ‘you need help Nigma’ and he’s just like ‘yeah that’s fair, I should probably look into seeing somebody at this point, I became a supervillain because of social anxiety and that might just be a red flag you know?’
“Hey, Batman, think you’ve seen everything, huh? Well, figure out how to deal with this! You know Gotham General Hospital? Yeah? Well you’ll never guess what I let loose in there!”
“Riddle me this, what has four hooves and presents a massive health and safety violation?”
“I see you there, Batman. And I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.”
do you think the dc universe has a news site like the onion that’s just like…
“meddling parents still alive, preventing bruce wayne from adopting yet anther orphan”
“new study shows that 87% of all americans class superman as american citizen despite being born on a different planet, but only 49% avoided eye contact when asked about why martian manhunter doesn’t count”
“area woman thanking her lucky stars that batman and superman fell out on the same day she was due to go to boss’ niece’s bat mitzvah”
“arkham guard astonished by trip to iron heights, only now learning what locks are for”
“area man pretty sure he should be making more than $60k a year if his boss has 10 billion dollars to waste on robotic exosuit”
“breaking news: lex luthor sues superman for loss of earnings, claims that continually losing fights to him is negatively affecting his work ethic”
“Hub City mayor declares state of unemergency after two hours without a violent crime”
“grown man who dresses in halloween costume every night thinks clown his biggest problem”
“disappointed child realizes Booster Gold at birthday party the real one, not just a guy in a costume”
“drunk Aquaman rampages through ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride”
“new Teen Titan not attached to any Justice League member wonders why they’ve been issued a uniform with a red shirt”
“Earth totally not a tax haven, say Green Lantern Corps as they assign eighth lantern to same planet”
“’no one knows how to stop him’ says armed police officer as non-powered clown-themed supervillain begins 82nd massacre this year”
Clark doesn’t dress as Superman for the Daily Planet’s annual Halloween party just for the sake of irony.
He also does it because he knows that Bruce will find out, because Bruce always finds out, and he thinks it’ll be hilarious.
Well, that plus Bruce is always getting on his case about the fact that he doesn’t even bother to wear a mask as Superman. Clark has tried to explain it, how posture and body language can change people’s perceptions, how he keeps his Midwestern drawl as Clark, but drops it for Superman, how he wears intentionally ill-fitting clothing as Clark to hide his body shape…
Bruce believes him, but only begrudgingly. After watching the fifth talk show where Bruce has to comment about how “Do the butts match?” Clark has to wonder if Bruce isn’t also maybe a little bit jealous. It’s a good thing that Clark isn’t the petty sort, (Except maybe he kind of is, just a little bit.)
He almost buys the “Stripper Superman” Halloween outfit because it makes him crack up; only the fact that it’s a work party dissuades him. Instead he goes for the one that has fake muscles in it. They’re so awful, and so anatomically incorrect that he has to go for it. The fabric is shiny, and the “S” stretches funnily across his chest when he tries it on; the fabric is, after all, also cheap. The cape only goes down to his waist, and he has to buy the tights separately. It doesn’t comes with shoes, only boot covers, and he immediately decides he’s going to wear crocs.
Because he’s Superman.
He can do what he wants.
Bruce finds out about his plans (…because of course he does), and tries to talk him out of it. Clark listens politely, then mentions politely that he’s been watching episodes of drag race to get tips on how to make a fake derriere for his costume. After all, he’s got to make sure that the butts match.
Bruce leaves him alone after that (except to mutter darkly that Clark’s secret identity is going to be blown, and is Clark really-?)
When he gets dressed for the party, Clark makes sure not just to slick back his hair, but to make it obvious it’s slicked back. He parts it to the “wrong” side, like he was looking in the mirror when he did his hair, and forgot everything was backwards. He puts on the ridiculous, ill-fitting costume, the crocs, the boot covers, and adjusts all the foam “muscles” so that he “looks like Superman.”
He wears his glasses, because everyone knows Clark Kent can’t see without his glasses. He makes sure to slouch at the party, to keep to the mannerisms that scream to the world “I Am Clark Kent And Definitely Not Superman Nope.” And if his drawl is a little stronger that night then normal? It’s probably the available drinks.
Funnily enough, he’s not actually the only person to dress up as Superman; Superman is a popular figure at the Daily Planet, and there are enough costumed fans to have a “Superman look-alike” competition.
When Bruce finds out that Clark came in last place… Well, it’s hard not to act smug.
i’ve always thought that in a universe where both bruce’s parents lived he’d grow up well-adjusted and end up becoming an artist whose shtick is that he inherited his mother’s (fake) psychic gift and he dramatically unveils paintings that solve crimes. it is a painting of the murder, and there, in the painting, is this guy he invited to the unveiling! high drama only. also at least once selina has stolen a painting of herself stealing the painting. the painting detailed exactly how she did it. later they made out.
in the sorrowful and immaculate hearts multiverse (i guess???), either thomas or bruce always dies. it’s the rules. universes where martha lived tend not to end well for anyone involved and sometimes result in multiple innocent timelines being destroyed in the aftermath
paintings of murder scenes, post-impressionist-style paintings of endangered animals in urban settings (both of which always manage to be totally accurate and feel very real despite what are objectively bizarre color palettes), and art-deco stained glass that projects images onto opposing walls or floors that aren’t apparent unless the light hits it just right (the kind that could result in a dramatic revelation if you’re good at perfectly timing a conversation)
he is notoriously and authentically obnoxious and has caused eight different international incidents, only three of which were justified
i’ve always thought that in a universe where both bruce’s parents lived he’d grow up well-adjusted and end up becoming an artist whose shtick is that he inherited his mother’s (fake) psychic gift and he dramatically unveils paintings that solve crimes. it is a painting of the murder, and there, in the painting, is this guy he invited to the unveiling! high drama only. also at least once selina has stolen a painting of herself stealing the painting. the painting detailed exactly how she did it. later they made out.
in the sorrowful and immaculate hearts multiverse (i guess???), either thomas or bruce always dies. it’s the rules. universes where martha lived tend not to end well for anyone involved and sometimes result in multiple innocent timelines being destroyed in the aftermath
This Is a Backup Blog 