Miscellaneous Batman headcanons as relate to my little fic universe, that may or may not ever come up because who knows:
- In general when it comes to Billionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne people go in one of two directions. Either he is the mysterious eccentric always galavanting around and seeing him at a party is like a Bigfoot sighting, or he is obnoxious and spoiled but people let him get away with it because he has money. But then it’s always a plot point that he is surrounded by vapid gold diggers?? I call bullshit, maybe Bruce Wayne is actually a really nice guy and he’s charming and charismatic and people think he is kind of naive, and maybe his smiles don’t always reach his eyes but maybe he just seems kind of lonely and people appreciate that he makes the effort. Maybe the women of Gotham are not all money-grubbing and shallow and actually recognize a good guy when they see one.
- That actually will definitely come up but it’s still on the list because it relates to the next bullet point.
- Models! In general models start working at 16 and are done when they’re 23. Modeling is an industry full of very young girls getting chewed up and spit out and sorry but you will never convince me that Batman would take advantage of that even under the guise of Billionaire Bruce Wayne. If you are a model and you meet Bruce Wayne he will be nice and he will be respectful and honestly he will act like a protective older brother and it’s just??? Such a change of pace???? He’s so nice????? And if they aren’t happy with their agency maybe he will direct them to some Wayne Enterprises subsidiary, and maybe when some photographer is being a skeeve they let him know and he never works in that town again, and maybe if they end up needing to go to rehab he pays for it because he can afford it and actually he owns the rehab center and also he is the sweetest man alive. So maybe when they need a plus one to a fashion event, they invite Bruce Wayne because they know he won’t take advantage, and maybe Bruce has a list of women and their interests so if he needs a plus one and he knows Anita loves the ballet he will call her up and they will go and they will mostly talk about her new cat because his name is Chairman Meow and she loves him the most. And when people ask later if she totally banged Bruce Wayne she says yes, it was awesome, his dick was huge, because idk man sometimes when a guy is nice you just tell people that as a courtesy. Then at parties Bruce Wayne is just surrounded by models and everyone shakes their heads and tsks about it while they ask him how he’s been and show him pictures of their cats.
- Which is not to suggest that maybe when they are older and in a more stable place in their lives they do not actually bang Bruce Wayne because they probably do. Who wouldn’t???
- One day some little girl is worried that Batman might skip her neighborhood and she decides the best way to make sure he shows is to leave some cookies on the roof of her building because if it’s good enough for Santa then why not Batman? But she’s like six so of course they are basically inedible and they’re supposed to look like bats but they kind of just look like poorly drawn distant seagulls and she leaves them out with a note like “For Batman only do not touch!!” and in the morning they are gone and she is satisfied that Batman has been patrolling to keep her safe. And eventually all the kids are doing this in Gotham and it’s just a whole buffet of confusingly-shaped poorly-made attempts at cookies (you have to make them yourself the children decide because when you are a kid it is important to have Rituals). Eventually Batman can tell which neighborhoods are having the most trouble based on density of cookies per block. He doesn’t actually eat them because he does not want to get food poisoning and at least once he’s pretty sure those were made of Play-Doh but he takes them anyway because he knows it helps kids feel safe.
- A criminal tries to leave out poison cookies once but not only does he not eat them, it is immediately obvious what’s going on because these actually look like food.
- If the cookies are still there in the morning the children all have a crisis because something is wrong with Batman and the religious kids pray and the nonreligious kids do weird superstitious shit that they have convinced themselves is helpful.
- Kids love Batman okay especially little girls, as a little girl who loved Batman I can confirm.
- Some of them probably leave out drawings and he keeps them in the Batcave sorry these are just Facts.
- Bruce Wayne’s doctor is paid a fortune to make housecalls and she is well aware by now that he is Batman, but she lets him claim he was bungee jumping or whatever the fuck it is he thinks is plausible because she knew his father and she remembers when he was a cute kid and honestly who even cares.
- Bruce Wayne’s dentist has also figured out that he is Batman because jesus fucking christ we just replaced those crowns what are you even DOING to your TEETH half of these are just implants now you are going to need dentures by forty please god just wear a fucking mouthguard draw some scary fangs on it if you have to like he appreciates how much money he is making replacing this man’s teeth but even he has limits
- Bruce Wayne’s personal accountant has also figured him out because his money just falls into a goddamn non-deductible pit and he kept trying to lie about it and then changing the lie around when he realized the answer he was giving impacted his return and I’m sorry Bruce I might not be rich but even I know that you probably did not spend several million dollars this year on cheesecakes covered in gold leaf and you accidentally filed a project cost analysis for a stealth jet in with your receipts but lucky for you I am NICE and I shredded it for you and also those projections were poorly done so hit me up if you want someone who actually knows how regression works buddy
- Catwoman never tries to rob Bruce Wayne because cats know that he is a cool guy. Actually it’s Batman that is always nice to cats but they smell the same so the cats don’t know the difference. They’re just like naw girl, that territory belongs to a friend of cats, don’t trespass unless it is for scritches because that guy gives some good scritches.
- Robin eats one of the batcookies once and regrets it for the rest of the night. Don’t eat cookies left outside by small children. Just don’t.
- Bruce Wayne got a JD/MBA and graduated at the top of his class, I know people like the idea of dropout Bruce Wayne backpacking around and learning to punch people but he also does not want to tank his father’s company or let criminals escape justice through Bat-shaped loopholes?? He probably went to Yale and took max credits every semester and spent all his time studying and working out and then went off in summers to learn new and exciting ways to punch a dude. He had no social life he slept like six hours max every night and he ruined the curve for everyone, what a dick.
Tag: Batman
It was almost impossible to find Bruce Wayne amidst the flock of models that had descended upon him. Pictures would soon be all over various social networks as guests pretended to take selfies, though it was unlikely Mr. Wayne would have stopped anyone from taking photos outright. At least one of those photos was going to end up a meme sooner rather than later.
It wasn’t hard to see why. The man himself, dressed in an impeccable suit, had taken a seat to give himself a break from mingling. A very large fellow with an earpiece kept the area under his poolside awning free of those his boss didn’t care to speak to. All around him the party continued, with more than one person leaping fully-clothed into the pool. And slowly, like moths to a flame, slender women with fashion shoot faces had gathered around Wayne. No one stopped them. A few had enough decorum to sit in adjacent chairs. Some sat on the couch beside him, one with her legs draped sideways over his lap; some stood behind the couch and bent half over it to talk to him, doing dangerous things to their necklines. A few, shameless, sat on the tile of the patio near his feet.
Not that any of this was particularly unusual. It was difficult to find a picture of Gotham’s favorite son at a public event without a throng of women. The fact that he had never been known to date anyone seriously did not dissuade them.
“I don’t know why I even come to these things when he just hogs all the hot chicks,” one guest complained. Someone – he did not see who – pushed him into the pool, and gave him something better to complain about.
“Bruuuce,” Cindi said, looking up from where she sat on the ground. “Seriously, you should come.”
“What would I even do?” Bruce asked, as Laura took his glass to steal some of his champagne. She was standing behind the couch, and wasn’t actually old enough to drink.
“Play with us, obviously,” said Adia, legs draped over him for no apparent reason whatsoever. Bruce took his glass back from Laura before she could take a second sip, and she pouted. He frowned as he wiped lipstick off the rim.
“I don’t even know how to play Street Fighter,” he said.
“Who doesn’t know how to play Street Fighter?” Cindi demanded, scandalized. “Didn’t you go to college?”
“Is that what I was supposed to be doing?” Bruce asked. “In that case, I made things much more difficult than they needed to be.”
Literally everything about Batman is so much better when you think about all the little behind the scenes things that must have happened to make Bruce such a goddamn dad
Like yeah he’s really bad with change and his communication abilities are really lacking due to being extremely heavily isolated and traumatized for the majority of his formative years, but like
I am at least 99% convinced that all the bat-named things like the batmobile, batcomputer, batfridge, etc., were originally normal phrases like ‘the car,’ ‘the computer,’ etc., but then Robin showed up he started calling them bat-things because he was nine, and Batman went along with it.
It’s too late to turn back now. Too late to make excuses to anyone. He’s committed. Nightwing doesn’t say anything. The other Robins have no idea. No one has any idea.
Everyone thinks Batman is legitimately obsessed with bats.
No, he just wanted his cave to be child-friendly, and when it turned out Robin #1 really liked the bat idea and thought it was cool enough that it should be incorporated into everything, Batman fucking incorporated it into everything. He just wanted to make the kid happy, damnit
His son is terrible at naming things.
Batman explains who will really win in Batman v Superman.
#god bruce’s face#‘wonder woman doesn’t have weakness clark’#‘wonder woman is flawless and perfect clark’#‘wonder woman could probably destroy the earth if she wanted to and I couldn’t stop her clark’#‘we’re all fucking doomed clark’
did he just make that wonder woman case special only to keep it empty for a fucking dramatic reveal
bruce wayne maintains a presence on all conspiracy theory boards with the screen name BruceWayneIsTheBatman and all his posts have titles like “BRUCE WAINE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF” and it’s just a picture of Bruce Wayne from the back next to a picture of Batman from behind and they both have the contours of their butt drawn on in a shitty MSPaint red line (note: Bruce is in a suit and Batman has a cape, neither of their butts are clearly discernible) and the quote “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!” and he makes at least three of these posts a day, and “Bruce Wayne is the Batman” becomes a meme a la “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” and he gets asked about it on a talk show and he laughs uproariously at the idea and Stephen Colbert just HAPPENS to have a batman mask under the desk and they do a bit together where Bruce Wayne puts on the mask and walks around saying things like “excuse me, bank robbers, can I perhaps offer you some money to stop you robbing this bank?” and “I say, cease and desist your criminal behavior or I’ll have my butler ask you to leave” and the audience is LOSING THEIR MINDS laughing at the idea of this pampered rich guy taking on the Joker on a bi-weekly basis and then anyone who suggests “Bruce Wayne is Batman” in earnest gets met with mocking “oh man do the butts match” comments
The fact Lois is 100% ready to throw down makes me ecstatic
Is there more of this? I want to see her interview everyone.
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