Every Adult In “Harry Potter” Let Us Down At Some Point And That’s Important a 900 page dissertation by me
And that includes Joanne Kathleen Rowling a tear stained afterword by me
Hagrid Is The Exception a rebuttal by me
The Time Hagrid Told Voldemort How to Take Out Something Protecting an Object that Grants Immortality When He Was Drunk and Other Well-Meaning Fuck Ups a lengthy chapter
You’re Absolutely Right a retraction
How dare you assume Molly Weasley has done anything wrong ever
That Time Molly Yelled At The Twins And Ron For Saving Harry From Abuse And Starvation, Thus Likely Communicating To The Abused Kid In Her Presence That His Welfare Was Less Important Than Not Borrowing The Car, That Time Molly Was Utterly Condescending About How Harry Is A Child And Doesn’t Deserve To Know Anything In A Way That Probably Heightened His Determination To Prove Otherwise, That Time Molly Said The Twins Put Together Aren’t As Good As Any Of Their Brothers Over OWL Results That They Worked Hard On And Were Proud Of, That Time Molly Forcibly Cut Her Adult Son’s Hair Right Before His Wedding, That Time Molly Spent A Year Being Mean And Rejectful Toward Her Son’s Fiancee, That Time Molly Sent Hermione A Deliberate “Fuck You” Present For Easter Because She Believed A False Story Written In Witch Weekly Without Making Any Attempt To Ask The People Actually Involved, Those Times She Made Her Youngest Son’s Christmas Sweaters His Least Favorite Color, And Every Time She Belittled Her Husband’s Hobby, The Twins’ Interests, And Bill’s Appearance Because She Couldn’t Be Bothered To Understand Or Value Or Even Be Kind About Thema detailed reminder that no one’s perfect and sometimes what one person doesn’t mind or see hits another person hard
Florean Fortescue Just Wanted To Sell Some Ice Cream And Help Harry With His Homework He Is The Only Adult Who Didn’t Mess Up Until Getting Killed By Voldemort, RIPan increasingly strident addendum by me
OK You’re Absolutely Right Florean Fortescue Was In Fact Perfect As Far As I’m Awarea concession by me
The real reason Harry became an auror was because it was the best way to spend the rest of his life destroying dark wizards with extremely brutal one liners
I still say the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter was that there wasn’t a scene where Hermione found 16 year old Harry in a shopping cart on top of the Astronomy Tower while 16 year old Ron stood by with Colin’s camera because if the prophecy says that he has to die via Voldemort then that means nothing else can kill him ergo there’s no way this could possibly go wrong…
i wonder if harry was ever slightly embarrassed about the second task i mean they took cedric’s girlfriend and victor’s girlfriend…and then they took harry’s ron.
excuse u ron is the best ok don’t ever insult my son again
except the opposite of this should be true?
fleur and harry got people they truly loved taken, fleur’s sister, and ron is “as good as” his brother (referencing when molly weasley said harry was as good as her son)
cedric had been dating cho for like three months?? yeah they were friends but like im sure cedric had better friends, especially considering him and cho weren’t even in the same year
and viktor barely knew hermione, he had not only just met her, their communication was also spotty at best bc of the language barrier. taking hermione makes even less sense, the only way i can see it working is that krum was infatuated and he had no close friends at durmstrang bc of his quidditch career
like if anything it would be cedric and krum that should be embarrassed bc it’s like accidently saying “i love you” too early in a relationship
Filch has a doctorate in art conservation and has definitely read Hogwarts A History
Actaully speaking of PoA, can we fuckin talk about Filch and his art credentials?
The portrait of the fat lady gets slashed and Dumbledore hands her off to Filch to get restored?
AND FILCH DOES IT, AND DOES IT WELL?
The next time we see her there is NO mention of anything like, oh she’s back but you can kinda see where she was cut… NO. She comes back in PEAK CONDITION.
Restored by Filch, who *has no magic.*
He restored this however many hundreds of year old painting *by hand.*
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SKILL MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED HERE?
This 100% changes the character of Filch. Like I’ve only ever seen him portrayed as this kind of head janitor kind of character, movies style, but like. Why? Why would Hogwarts need that if it’s full of house elves? According to Harry Oblivious Potter, probably cause Dumbledore felt bad and gave him a shitty job but one he could at least do and still be in the wizarding world.
WRONG. It’s cause that’s not his actual job.
Listen.
Dung bomb goes off in a classroom? Long night for the house elves.
Dung bomb goes off in a 300 year old suit of armor? Long six to eight weeks for Argus Filch.
Fanged frisbee tears up an irreplaceable tapestry?
Filch.
Peeves draws dicks on a portrait of the founders?
Filch.
All these damn kids in and out of here every day acting like dumbasses and blowing stuff up when it’s already bad enough they keep tracking dirt and *breathing* all over everything?
Filch.
Now how about, how does Filch know all the secret passages? A combination of things. Probably paintings told him about some. You spend weeks restoring a portrait of someone who helped build the place which lives and moves and speaks in their voice and you’re bound to at least talk a bit, if not learn a few things. But many he probably found on his own, either by wit or by study- he’s gotta be entrenched in tr history of this place. If Binns hadn’t come back as a ghost Filch could probably teach history of magic in his place.
He keeps the place in order such that generations next will still have it, and said generations next show him no god damn respect for that. He’s bitter for a lot of excellent reasons.
Ron just got his howler from his mom yelling at him for stealing the car. He seems super embarrassed and most of the Great Hall is laughing. But here’s the thing:
Ron is 12 years old.
Ron stole a car.
Ron fucking stole a fucking car at the age of TWELVE.
I would not be laughing at him. Ronald Weasley is a fucking bad ass. When was the last time you jacked a car Malfoy? That’s what I thought. Bitch.
Harry woke up at 3 am, wrote this, and went back to sleep.
Popular perception of Rowena Ravenclaw seems to be that she was very erudite and serious and like. I’m not saying that’s wrong. And she was def a smart and wise lady. However,
She chose the location and name of Hogwarts because she “had a dream that a warty hog” led her there
So like
Have we considered the posibility that Rowena Ravenclaw might have been weird af
I’m bringing this back because none of you cowards will consider it. Individualism and creativity are core tenants of the Ravenclaw house. That breeds weirdness. Look at Luna. Rowena Ravenclaw would get her.
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