the only valid naruto meta is the single use clothing sasuke theory my flatmates came up with after a drunken binge of the chuunin exams
“Single Use Clothing Sasuke” is a complex, multi-layered theory borne of the complex, multi-layered minds of my flatmates. It essentially boils down to the idea that Every Single Thing sasuke wears from the day of the uchiha massacre to the day he leaves the village are entirely different yet identical versions of the same two outfits. He only wears them once and then throws them out.
The idea behind this is based on the implications that a) sasuke lives alone in the uchiha compound which is intended to be lived in by hundreds of people, b) he was not cared or provided for in any way by the village adults after the massacre, and c) there are entire city blocks of empty uchiha houses full of free shit just sitting there, ESPECIALLY clothing.
Theory is as follows: sasuke, clearly unable to do his own laundry because he’s 12 and a moron, spends four years of his life using the abandoned clothes that previously belonged to the children in the uchiha clan as disposable clothing and there’s a landfill in Konoha somewhere just full of black playsuits.
Companion theory “One-Shirt Uzumaki” where naruto owns exactly one (1) set of clothing that he furiously hand washes every night at 1am.
you know what this is pretty plausible actually all things considered
I just realized that Clark Kent probably works at the Daily Planet because it means he and his super-senses are planted right in the middle of a bunch of investigative journalists all day long. He probably knows more about Metropolis’ corruption and abuses of power than anyone else in the world, just by virtue of existing in the Daily Planet’s vicinity.
I imagine also that he works there for the reverse reason. Think about all the things he knows about the people in positions of power in the city that Really Should be made known to the public, but he can’t figure out a way to legitimately excuse having that knowledge? Well, all he has to do is drop a hint of a thread in the lap of someone like Lois Lane and his coworkers and friends will be on it like bloodhounds, with a firm air of legitimacy that he himself would never, ever have. Because honestly? Clark Kent probably knows that “I heard about it with my magic alien hearing” isn’t and SHOULDN’T be admissible in a court of law or public opinion. But aiming some good old fashioned investigative journalists in the most competitive news organisation in the city at it? Perfectly legitimate.
Villain: “Hah! What are you going to do, punch me for tax evasion? Lock me up for conspiracy? With what court-admissible evidence? Admit it Superman, there’s nothing you can do here.”
Superman: “Guess not.”
Later, Clark Kent at the Daily Planet watching his colleagues work: “My god, they’re like bureaucratic piranhas. They went through his entire IRS filings for the last eight quarters in thirty minutes flat.”
Imagine a conspiracy theorist talking about how they think Cap is still alive and out there somewhere and they’re like ‘yeah but what if his super serum stuff kept his body ALIVE in the ICE and he’s been WORKING FOR THE SECRET MILITARY EVER SINCE-’ but everyone else is just like ‘shut up lol’
okay sorry to add but
What if it was Tony?
His huge project for college is This Theory, and who better to cover it? His own father worked with Cap, and it’s kind of a “Screw You” to his father, working on a Captain America project, something Howard never thought he could do.
He has hours of research put in, a paper carefully proofread and academically professional thanks to vetting by Rhodey, and–
Tony gets laughed out of town. He can’t be serious, right? There’s no way a human would actually survive for seventy years. What about nutrition intakes? Temperatures? Cap may be enhanced, but he’s not Perfection (no matter what Howard would slur late at night).
But Tony still has it. Occasionally, it’ll get brought up on interviews.
Flash forward decades later, and Cap comes out of the ice.
It is literally all over Tony’s twitter:
“GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT ASSHOLES?????? GUESS. TAKE A WILD GUESS.”
He has the link to the paper on his Instagram, shoves it in his asshole-former professor’s face who told him he was wasting his time.
Tony is thriving and best of all?
Steve is the same way. He’s petty, he likes proving people right, and so he tweets about the paper a couple months later, saying: “I know I live with a genius, but wow! He knew about me before any of you!”
So, as it’s roughly explained, the state alchemist program is a kind of “recruit potential human sacrifices” mechanism, with a side-order of “brute strength for the army”. But basically, the state alchemist title is mostly about being a researcher–given people like Shou Tucker exist, and given that the only requirement to stay a state alchemist is to submit a yearly report of your research that says “look I’m still being a useful scientist”.
So far, so far this is sensible, yeah? Father and the delightful children from down the lane are running a recruitment program for potential human sacrifices. So sure–butter them up! Give them lots of money, get them buddy-buddy with the government, and give them endless resources for research. It’s be pretty easy to trick a state alchemist in that position to open the portal if Sugar DaddyBradley is nudging them to do it.
And I’m still willing to go with this logic for the whole “draft the state alchemists into war” move. They make it pretty clear that was something of a last-ditch effort. And the blood transmutation circle around Amestris was an absolute necessity for Father’s plan. So the risk of a few state alchemists dying or resigning from your Potential Sacrifice Pool is worth it for the completion of the circle.
Now. To get to my fucking thought.
Edward fucking Elric. This fucking fight-me 12 year old troglodyte shows up to the exam and performs circle-less transmutation in front of mother fucking Bradley, demonstrating to one of the seven Actual Fucking Homunculi that he’d already opened the portal. Ed was literally prepped as a human sacrifice before he showed up to Central. A fully set human sacrifice showed up at the homunculi’s door, said “hey look what I can do!”, proved he’d opened the mother fucking portal already, and said “hey yeah hire me”. Human sacrifice, free shipping, no assembly required, handcuffs not included!
They could have just tossed Ed into a shoebox and kept him there until the Promised Day. They wouldn’t even need to make up an excuse he attacked the f u c k i n g president. That’s fucking treason babey. He’s 12, he’s an orphan, he’s from a rural town in buttfuck nowhere, he’s literally the easiest person alive to disappear.They could have arrested him for assassination crimes, kept him in gay baby jail, and just popped him out for the Promised Day
What do they do instead?! “Oh lmao this kid’s great. Let’s give him infinite money, no supervision, no governmental responsibilities, access to all our secret resources, and toss him on a train to who-the-fuck-knows-where-land”
They fucking did that
And like? They then had the audacity to be concerned when Edward “Fight Me” Elric almost got himself killed about 293 times. Just an endless game of “I thought u were watching him” from one homunculus to another when Ed fucking absconds half-way across the globe to go entice some other hostile entity into murdering him to death. That’s the whole series. Every arc is Ed baiting death while the homunculi are in the background like “:/ wish he wouldn’t do that”
This only gets worse when you consider they later learned Al opened the portal too because really?? These two stab-happy globe-trotting public menaces are 40% of your final evil plan for godhood. 40%. Almost half. You couldn’t fucking set aside a cardboard box to keep these idiots in?
We all knew Father was terrible at planning when we learned his thousands-of-years-in-the-making-plan involved him procrastinating until the last five minutes to get his last sacrifice, while he was?? playing chess in his fucking basement, I guess. But it’s like every time I think about it like really think about it I find 7 more reasons Father was a fucking shit idiot moron, king of the stupid fucking idiot club, flesh and blood founder of seven other established dumbasses, all living in their idiot hovel under central, just giving random dumbass 12 year olds infinite money, j u s t b e c a u s e.
People in the replies trying to explain Father’s actions fall into one of three categories
Father didn’t baby-gate Ed because humans are like ants to him and he had no concept of how thoroughly Ed and co. could fuck his shit up
Father and the Hot Topic Brigade didn’t lock Ed up because they recognized the unbridled chaotic 12-year-old energy compressed into such a small vessel and they understood no jail cell on earth would reliably hold this thing
Father and his sin-sonas didn’t put Ed in a box because locking Ed away in their lair would mean dealing with Edward Elric day-in and day-out in their own home for the next four years and frankly even godhood isn’t worth certain flavors of hell.
wonder what the fire lords before Sozin were like.
Well, the symbols that are drawn with the profile elude to what major thing they did in their life.
The first dude with the flowers behind him, I’m no expert, but I’d imagine he was rather peaceful, friendly, promoted peace throughout the land. Maybe the type of flower symbolizes something more.
The top center dude has stars, one at his feet and one in his hand. Perhaps he was a great leader and provided guidance for his people (more so than the other firelords) because the stars are used to guide you through the night. Or perhaps he was a guidance in regard to education, promoting learning and knowledge among his people. Or still, it has to do with the invention of using the stars as a map. Or a lot of progress was made in astrology under his ruling.
Sozin we pretty much know already. There’s the comet over his head, but also a scroll in his hand, and an army at his feet. The army probably alludes to him being a militant leader. Perhaps he built up the army’s forces. The scroll, I’m thinking either two things. He wrote a lot of rules, or he wrote a lot in general.
Azulon is standing on a cloud on a turtle-snake. No clue what that would symbolize. Maybe someone who was highly praised and worshiped like a saint. Idk.
Ozai is seen with gears and pipes at his feet eluding to the industrial growth the firenation experienced under his rule. It’s interesting that his palms are facing towards you unlike the others. Maybe that has to do with being more forceful and less merciful, and the fire in his hands is black. Idk what that would mean.
In Confucianism, a great leader is said to be one who is like the north star; in a static position that everything rotates around; such a man is stable and virtuous, and guides men to be such my example, not by force. The top center man probably didn’t rule with a heavy hand, but was revered for his personal virtue, and was a role model for his subjects, hence the Sun itself at his feet and standing on the clouds like a heavenly figure.
Sozin had a long peaceful reign before the war, so the scroll probably denotes him as a law giver, like Justinian or Lycurgus. It could be a similar convention to someone holding stone tablets like Moses. Azulon is standing on the back of a turtle; an animal that lives on both land and water. It was Azulon who launched the raids on the southern water tribe and conquered most of the territory in the Earth Kingdom. He was also considered to be legendarily skilled at Firebending even among Fire Lords, hence the two fireballs in his hands.
Merry & Pippin figure out p quickly that Boromir knows fuck all about the Shire or about Hobbits & many 100% true things about the Shire (eg we all live in holes) are super weird to him
So naturally they start making things up
They start with fairly plausible stuff like ‘in the Shire we have cows the size of dogs and dogs the size of rabbits’
But then they get bolder and start going in for stuff like ‘in the Shire we don’t make cheese, it just grows on trees’
‘yeah we call them Chrees’
‘good one Pip’
He figures out fairly quickly that they’re messing with him but he has no idea where the line is
Eventually he asks Frodo and Frodo is like ‘no the Shire is really boring’
‘oh’ *kinda disappointed* ‘so does that mean you don’t eat six meals a day?’
‘what no we do that, how many meals do you eat in Gondor??’
i wonder if korra had always known she was bisexual or if she saw asami one day and thought lmao ok if i was straight at one point i’m not anymore
i have this headcanon that when she was younger and found out katara was married to her in her past life korra would get excited and be all “does that me you’re my wife?” and then if someone was rude to katara young korra would yell something like “don’t talk to my wife like that!” and just basically assume being with women was okay simply because she’s already been with them in past lives
I love seeing the lok fandom on my dash simply for cute shit like this man
So, let’s run through some of the Avengers and how they would carry children. Because why not.
Steve Rogers: Sling on his back. He’s already used to having the weight of his shield there, and in a combat situation the baby is automatically covered by the shield.
Tony Stark: Would build a baby-carrying robot. The robot flies and has a force field. It immediately starts kidnapping children. Tony abandons the baby to fight it. Do NOT trust Tony Stark with a child.
Bruce Banner: Would buy a papoose because it looks practical, would use it because he likes feeling the kid against him.
Clint Barton: Canonically has children. Probably carried a bassinet. Has definitely run into trouble trying to juggle all of the things in his hands and also the baby.
Natasha: The cool aunt to Clint’s 3 kids. Uses a papoose because she wants her hands free to corral the children while still keeping ahold of the baby. Has promised Clint that, if necessary, she can kill a man while holding 3 children. He trusts her to only do so if she has absolutely no other choice.
Thor: Shows up with his own bassinet. It’s gold and flies. During combat situations it closes an armored shell and plays soothing music so the child doesn’t get scared. He plays with the child constantly.
T’Challa: Carried Shuri in a sling often when he was younger and responsible for her, even while exercising. Has done it at least once since then to prove he could still carry her through an entire obstacle course. She refused to get down and he spent 2 hours hauling her around. Nobody makes any comment on the situation.
Vision: Has downloaded every parenting advice book in existence. Calls Wanda for help 10 minutes in. Never successfully takes the child anywhere on his own.
Peter Parker: Can create a papoose out of webbing in under a second when needed. It even comes with extra neck support. He is extremely good with kids, to the surprise of no one except him.
Bucky Barnes: The unofficial Avengers babysitter. Can spot all dangerous objects in a room in under a second, put up with uncomfortable questions for hours without snapping, and loves having the nails on his left hand painted. Has a whole supply of baby gear that he chooses to fit the situation, including a variety of carry methods depending on what the child prefers and the specific situation. Leave your kids with him when you go on the run, he’ll take out a Hydra death squad to keep them safe and then make sure they eat their veggies before bed.
Guardians of the Galaxy: Actually brought a toddler into combat and left him basically unsupervised while they fought a giant monster. Still better parents than Tony Stark.
The real reason Harry became an auror was because it was the best way to spend the rest of his life destroying dark wizards with extremely brutal one liners
God, this actually suggests that Peach isn’t just a specific instance of “the adult/ruling form of a female Toad,” but that Peach should properly be called “a Peach,” because the blonde hair, blue eyes, haircut, facial structure etc. etc. are all shared among mature forms of Toads –
Peach Toadstool is Type-Peach Name-Toadstool, the way Peachette is Type-Peach Name-Ette, isn’t she. Peach is the species. Peaches are a type of cuckoo or parasite which have slowly developed a codependent, controlling relationship with Toads.
A Super Crown is a symbiont Power-Up which converts a viable female Toad to an immature instance of the Peach species, granting aerial mobility, but slowly co-opting the nervous system; Peach Toadstool is a matured form, so completely infesting her host (presumably Princess Toadstool) that she remains in control even after the host body is damaged and shrinks to miniature form. Her age also reduces the efficiency of the gaseous jet systems which provide aerial mobility and convince Toads, earthbound residents of a traditionally very vertical ecosystem, to use Super Crowns – why would she need it in such prime condition, if her host is so thoroughly controlled? And of course, as one of the oldest Peaches, her mastery of language is sufficient that she can use social adaptations to maintain her control over the Mushroom Kingdom.
We might imagine that gliding/double jumping is an adaptation to avoid the Peach’s natural predators, likewise landbound Koopas, and navigating their natural habitats. And the human appearance? Another step in the cuckoo process – think of it as something like toxoplasma gondii, which can only reproduce in the stomachs of rats. The Peach adopts a particular form in order to allure human beings, which it can then use to spread its spores or bear its cuckoo children. Selecting a suitably mobile new host vessel, the Peach then manipulates that host vessel into budding off new Peaches across a wide range of locations, spreading them to brick blocks and empty Question Mark blocks by physical contact. Each different outing provides the spores for more Super Crowns. They take years to mature, yes, but eventually the Mushroom Kingdom will be infested.
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