this is my stupidest hc yet but: so u kno how when u hang out w someone a lot u tend to pick up their vocal tics and mannerisms??? all im sayin is sasuke says dattebayo one time and he wants to die
pokemon theory of the day: the reason some pokemon evolve only when traded is that, in the wild, those pokemon don’t evolve until they’ve left the pack they were born into to start families of their own, so if they’re still with their original trainer, their biology says “oh there’s my parent, must not be out on my own yet, haunter is fine for now”
Filch has a doctorate in art conservation and has definitely read Hogwarts A History
Actaully speaking of PoA, can we fuckin talk about Filch and his art credentials?
The portrait of the fat lady gets slashed and Dumbledore hands her off to Filch to get restored?
AND FILCH DOES IT, AND DOES IT WELL?
The next time we see her there is NO mention of anything like, oh she’s back but you can kinda see where she was cut… NO. She comes back in PEAK CONDITION.
Restored by Filch, who *has no magic.*
He restored this however many hundreds of year old painting *by hand.*
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SKILL MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED HERE?
This 100% changes the character of Filch. Like I’ve only ever seen him portrayed as this kind of head janitor kind of character, movies style, but like. Why? Why would Hogwarts need that if it’s full of house elves? According to Harry Oblivious Potter, probably cause Dumbledore felt bad and gave him a shitty job but one he could at least do and still be in the wizarding world.
WRONG. It’s cause that’s not his actual job.
Listen.
Dung bomb goes off in a classroom? Long night for the house elves.
Dung bomb goes off in a 300 year old suit of armor? Long six to eight weeks for Argus Filch.
Fanged frisbee tears up an irreplaceable tapestry?
Filch.
Peeves draws dicks on a portrait of the founders?
Filch.
All these damn kids in and out of here every day acting like dumbasses and blowing stuff up when it’s already bad enough they keep tracking dirt and *breathing* all over everything?
Filch.
Now how about, how does Filch know all the secret passages? A combination of things. Probably paintings told him about some. You spend weeks restoring a portrait of someone who helped build the place which lives and moves and speaks in their voice and you’re bound to at least talk a bit, if not learn a few things. But many he probably found on his own, either by wit or by study- he’s gotta be entrenched in tr history of this place. If Binns hadn’t come back as a ghost Filch could probably teach history of magic in his place.
He keeps the place in order such that generations next will still have it, and said generations next show him no god damn respect for that. He’s bitter for a lot of excellent reasons.
Sasuke and Naruto, having both spent most of their formative years living alone, are notoriously good at household shit. Naruto installs half of his friends’ HVAC systems for them. Shikamaru swears up and down he once saw Naruto disassemble and reassemble a microwave in under a minute. Sasuke has a real, existing vege garden and knows thousands of lifehacks. Sasuke “bad eggs float in water” “milk washes out ink stains” Uchiha. It pisses off and bewilders every single one of their peers to no end that these emotionally volatile weirdos are the most functional homeowners on earth. Meanwhile Sakura cried earlier because she accidentally spilled white wine into her toaster and set her pop-tarts on fire.
Barry and Lup have such an influence on how Kravitz handles bounties cause I just relistened to Crystal kingdom and Kravitz just snuck around trying to fuck over THB and it was like five episodes before he even talked to them and like eight episodes before he told them what his job was.
Hard cut to the san fran live show where they appear in a massive cloud of ravens, skeletal face and booming voice, declaring the will of the raven queen, with i imagine Barry and Lup posing like jessie and james behind him. Much faster and more to the point I’d say.
The Raven Queen: Kravitz it’s time for your quarterly review. In addition to pardoning three bounties, you’ve also been spending a lot of time, and I quote, “just generally fucking with people” instead of getting to the point and reaping them.
Kravitz: who are you quoting?
Lup, behind the Raven Queen: *waves*
The Raven Queen: from now on, the new policy is that you have to let people know who you are and why you’re killing them, and then get on with it
Lup, silently mouthing: it was supposed to be a compliment
The Raven Queen: however, as a compromise, I’ve given you the power to travel via a giant unkindness of ravens, to suitably intimidate necromancers while maintaining the “aesthetic”
Lup: *gives Kravitz a double thumbs up and a huge grin*
it just occurred to me that darth vader, master engineer, probably looked at the death star plans at some point and noticed the flaw, but didn’t bother to tell anyone about it because he despised everyone who was involved in the project
100% certain han and lando once got married for a scam and forgot to have it annulled so they were technically married for several years and one day lando comes in and goes “real quick: are we solo-calrissian or calrissian-solo? also, i want a divorce” and han is like baby no where did i go wrong we can still fix this
#ostensibly it was for a scam but we all know the truth#they forget to get divorced until han is getting married again#do you think polyamorous marriage is legal in star wars#it has to be right#so han is accidentally married to like three people#and leia is kind of annoyed by this so he goes to lando#who doesn’t understand the problem because legally speaking he is married to a city-state#he solves a lot of problems by marrying them#he also creates a lot of problems but those are for future lando#not current lando who is currently explaining that he has built a complex tax scheme on his marriages#and his marriage to han is loadbearing#do you have any idea what this would do to his tax deductions han#it would destroy them#han hasn’t paid space taxes in years but it turns out he’s lando’s dependent and lando has actually been collecting a refund this whole time#han is offended and wants his refunds but lando is like no fuck you#if you did your own space taxes you’d be paying twice what i’m getting
Peter Parker: -on meeting Loki, offers his hand- Hi, I’m Peter!
Loki: -shakes his hand- Loki of Asgard.
Peter: Aren’t you like…a bad guy?
Loki: It varies from moment to moment.
Peter: So like…on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst evil imaginable, like…killing puppies, and one being I’ll spit on your hotdog…where are you right now?
Loki: …maybe a three?
Peter: Cool. Lemme know if it gets above a six.
Loki: -thinking- I like him.
It had been a joke, a flippant line, but somehow, Loki found himself taking the youth up on it.
It was hard living around these heroic Avengers, hard trying to stay close to Thor. And when he felt his need for mischief rise too high, when he felt exasperation with these Midgardians turn too close to spite, he would casually say “Six.” to the young man, or sometimes “Seven.”
And Peter would spend the rest of his day with Loki. He would badger him with questions about magic, or drag him across his beloved city to see its entertainments, or take him along stopping petty crimes. He grounded Loki to the here and now, and distracted him from the churning, jagged shards of ice in his mind.
WE NEED LOKI AND PETER FICS
Stark’s brat had a system. It had been amusing, at first glance, especially when “killing puppies” was apparently a higher level of evil than trying to take over the world. It had risen and fallen – two, five, one. There were honestly good days.
It took some time before a truly bad day came up.
After a difficult battle, the Captain was being particularly sanctimonious, his team following suit. Even Stark made biting comments.
Loki could scream.
“Spider-man,” he said as calmly as he could. The young man glanced up, having been tying up some of their enemies a few yards away.
“Seven.”
“… okay, guys, I’m going to head out with Loki for the rest of the day. Don’t need us for debrief, yeah?”
“Sure,” Stark shrugged, glancing between the two of them oddly. Loki wasn’t entirely sure what the plan was. They went in civilian clothes to a small café.
“I wasn’t paying attention, so whatever was said, I don’t agree,” Peter began. “But that’s not what I’m here for. So. When you teleport, how does that work? Is it harder with longer distances? Or is knowledge of the place more helpful?” Loki blinked, but explained. It led to a discussion of magical theory. Peter (Loki still called him Parker aloud, but the child and even his young friends grew on him in time) was eager and curious, comparing what he knew from Strange and fantasy books to Loki’s knowledge. It was admittedly fascinating to see how many versions of sorcery humans had created by mere imagination. He was definitely amused by the elves and dwarves of Lord of the Rings.
Sometimes Peter tentatively asked about Strange and Maximoff, if they were doing similar things. Never if Loki was at an 8 or above though.
“Strange is like a child prodigy. He’s good, picks the practical parts up well. He even got the jump on me – but he has not had as much time to study as me. He’s a student where I am a master. Maximoff is incredibly powerful and incredibly lucky, but she does not have much training at all.” Sometimes conversation turned to music, animals, current events.
Peter was good. It was odd, how Loki became so sure of the fact so quickly.
After the conversations, often accompanied with food or a walk, he was always down to a 3 or so. Which made Peter an important person.
So the next time Peter was in trouble and the Avengers were indisposed, Loki was not the least bit surprised that he was not the only one ready to tear someone apart for the kid. Two men in red – one with horns, one with guns and swords – a young girl with cat-shaped blasters on her hands, and the Captain’s assassin friend. Loki curled his lips and muttered:
“For anyone that harms you? 10.”
IT GOT MORE SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW IT AND IM IN LOVE
also, the fact we get Daredevil, Deadpool, Shuri, and James teaming up with Loki to protect Peter? I AM HERE FOR ALL THIS HELLS YES
(I thought I didn’t have anything to add but I do)
It was just after noon on a Saturday when Loki got a text from Peter, all it said was
‘8, I’m at home′
Peter had never used their number system for himself before.
Loki had promised the boy’s aunt he would not teleport into their home and while he’d had every intention of honouring that promise, this was definitely an exception.
When Loki materialized in Peter’s room, his friend was pacing, angry and red-faced. Loki had never seen Peter furious before.
Peter began shouting when he saw Loki, ‘Men are scum! Irredeemable, horrible, crappy, scummy scum!’
‘Thank you for telling me, Peter.’ Loki said, sitting down on Peter’s bed. ‘Any particular men inspiring this diatribe?’
Peter grabbed a pillow off his bed and screamed into it, ‘There’s a guy at Aunt May’s work who’s harassing her and she says I need to stay out of it and let Human Resources do their jobs and he’s a creep and he’s making May feel creeped out and… I don’t know what to do.’
Loki blinked. Of all the people Peter could have gone to, he had chose Loki.
‘Thank you, for telling me this. Although I’m not sure how I can be of help.’
Peter flopped down onto the bed next to Loki, ‘You’re my friend and you’re an adult. And I wasn’t sure who else to talk to.’
Loki flopped back next to Peter, it seemed appropriate. ‘If Human Resources doesn’t sort this out to your satisfaction, I can turn this person into a goat.’
Peter giggled, ‘An ugly, stupid goat?’
‘Any kind of goat you like,’ Loki replied.
this is suddenly the most important thing in the world and i want to personally hug everyone in this thread.
I’m gonna cry I love this so so much thank you
yES
Omg my freaking heart
“I did not send for you, Parker. I am not feeling particularly murderous.”
Peter stood in the threshold of Loki’s quarters, both hands gripping the one arm of his backpack, twisting the padded nylon anxiously. The god of mischief hadn’t been responding to his texts for days, and finally he had pestered Thor into clueing him in.
Loki sat on the floor of his quarters, his pale skin marred by his bloodshot eyes rimmed red. A pile of books circled him, a moat of words keeping others at bay. He refused to look up at Peter, so the teenager squatted down in front of him.
“I know—you’re sad,” Peter said simply.
Loki snorted. “Sad. I am not sad; sad is a weak excuse of an emotion, a school child distraught in a moment’s inconvenience. Sad is—“
“—my parents are dead too, y’know,” Peter cut in. This made the Asgardian look up finally. “Or, maybe you don’t, I guess I don’t talk about it much. They died when I was young.”
Loki seemed caught off guard by the admission. “I… did not know that,” he said. “I suppose I never did ask.”
Peter sat down properly, bringing his knees up and looping his arms loosely around them, mirroring Loki’s position. “I don’t have a lot of memories of my parents. Not, like, specific ones—they all sort of blob together into this big hazy warm fuzzy feeling. But I remember once, when I was real sick, like, vomiting pea soup like the Exorcist sick, my Mom stayed home from work for three days to take care of me. She let me watch Alien for the first time, but I had to promise not to tell Dad, cause he thought I’d be too scared.” Peter let his chin rest on one of his knees, his gaze becoming unfocused and a hint of a melancholy smile gracing his lips. “She’s why I like movies so much, she loved ‘em.”
There was a moment of silence, though not an unpleasant one. Loki slowly unfolded his limbs, sitting cross legged and relaxing his shoulders. “My mother taught me my magic,” he finally said softly. “She tried to teach me her patience, but, alas, it didn’t take.”
Peter’s smile grew warmer. “Did she do that Mom voice whenever she caught you playing tricks on Thor, that whole ‘Ohh, Loki!’ in a totally not surprised, wants to be disappointed but is actually pretty entertained by it sort of way?”
Finally, the god of mischief cracked a smile. “Constantly.”
This is fabulous but now I want Loki/Aunt May somebody stop me halp
the idea that bruce wayne’s ideal method of learning is to just find whoever is best at the thing and latch onto them for a while is so underutilized, though. i want to see more of, like. bruce wayne fucking off to join the rodeo, so he can learn the best ways to not fall off things and also hogtie other things. bruce wayne moving to hawaii to master surfing because the thought of not knowing how to surf in some kind of surfing emergency caused him a sudden panic. bruce wayne in the alps learning how to yodel. living with the amish to learn how to make a really good dresser. in the andes learning how to weave. going to florida to wrestle alligators and meth addicts and meth-addicted alligators. when will you ever need to know this, he remembers people asking, as he faces down killer croc with nothing but a net he had to make himself using a machete and a spare sheep.
Okay, so we all know that Poe went around the Resistance base telling everyone about the Handsome Stormtrooper that saved his life – but what about BB-8? Imagine BB-8 coming back to base and promptly telling everyone about the good brave human who saved his Poe. This is Finn he is so lovely, he is the best of all humans, look at him, be nice to him – he’s a little bit slow – doesn’t understand droid at all but he’s a quick learner.
And imagine ALL THE DROIDS falling into line, looking after Finn, and Finn is just so nice to them because he remembers what it’s like to be treated like you’re nothing, like you don’t have a personality. And they just adopt him: Finn the best human, they designate him, and R2-D2 – battle-hardened war vet that he is – teaches him binary but teaches him the bastardised sweary binary that all the older droids speak and BB-8 is innocent and oblivious and C3-PO is scandalised because Finn is going round saying things like fuck me this is hot in this little whistle-beep.
And whenever Finn sits down he’s surrounded by happy young droids who absolutely adore him, and he is just so nice and all the droids go out of their way to do things for him.
And yes. Give me sweet lovely Finn with his droid ducklings.
OMG I NEED THIS ARTED. Just. Finn. Droids. WHAT ARE YOU DOING FINN CAN WE HELP WE’LL JUST WATCH IF YOU DON’T NEED US. FINN IS SLIGHTLY THIRSTY. FIND WATER.
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