Because they live so long and can go so many decades without having any children around, Elves are inordinately fond of children. I know that’s a pretty popular headcanon, but here’s my spin on it:
Even the most serious and solemn of Elves will drop their stern facades to make a child of any race laugh.
.
For example:
There is a story that on one occasion, some delegates from Lake Town were unable to leave their children at home and brought them to a trade meeting in Mirkwood. Instead of making them wait in a separate room, the Elven King Thranduil had seats put at the meeting table for the children.
Throughout the discussions the children would burst into giggling fits, even after their parents asked them to be quiet. The Men of Lake Town, embarrassed by these interruptions, apologized for their behavior and suggested that they be sent away. To their surprise, Thranduil told them that there had not been any children in his halls for more than 500 years and he found their presence pleasant. So the discussions went on, childish giggling included.
After the trade agreements were made, the Men asked their children what made them laugh so much. The children claimed that every time the Men looked down at the trade documents, the Elven King’s ears would start wiggling!
No adult could ever confirm that the Elven King did this, although some Rohirrim children would report that his son had particularly wiggly ears when they saw him in Helms Deep.
.
Also:
In a Dwavish legend so old and obscure that almost none still know it, back in Durin’s time, several Dwarflings travelled through Lothlorien with their families. The young ones went to explore the forest on their own, and accidentally stumbled upon the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn out on a walk.
The young Dwarves were awed and intimidated by their regal figures, and shied away from them. But, according to the myth, The Lord and Lady began imitating each other, speaking in affected voices and calling one another by the wrong names. They kept up the charade until the Dwarflings were fairly rolling with mirth!
But that legend is far too ridiculous to put any stock in, right?
.
In another story:
King Elessar has on rare occasion told a tale from his younger days in Imladris, when settled by a fire in the company of those familiar enough to call him “Aragorn.”
He tells of being a small child, still shy of his foster father, despite his mother’s assurances. He had been playing on the stairs of one of the paths when he spotted Lord Elrond approaching, dressed in his splendid robes. Aragorn hid alongside the path and watched as he approached. To Aragorn’s amazement and delight, when Lord Elrond reached the stairs he rucked up his robes and pranced up them. He must have spotted the child well before then, because he gave wink to Aragorn’s hiding place before continuing on his way, leaving the child desperately trying to muffle his snickering behind.
If Aragorn has had enough to drink, he may even perform a demonstration, that looks something like this.
I am 100% here for this headcanon! Not only is it adorable, it jives with the book canon that Elves are a kind and cheerful people!
No word of a lie, Finn slays everyone at the Resistance base within two days. I’m not buying into the idea of Poe Dameron as international space fashion star – we all know he owns two sets of clothes, one of them his flight suit and one of them his officer khakis. (having said this he devotes an inhuman amount of time and effort to his hair. so. much. time. in. front. of. mirror. move dameron, Pava will say, we all have faces to fix come on move your butt)
Anyway. Anyway. Finn stunts on everyone. He’s lived his life in black and white armor – upon discovering colour, he embraces it with a zeal comparable to Rey’s newfound love of any and all food. Purple’s his favourite; but he likes gold as well; blue as the sky; green as a meadow. And textures! He gets together all random bits of fabric on the Resistance base – and let’s face it, the Resistance base is essentially a junkyard of random things from every corner of the galaxy, underfunded and scraping by – and with Rey’s help he knocks together the sort of wardrobe that any young fashionista would die for. He’s edgy. He’s cool. His clothing is loud and obnoxious and screams I chose this, I chose whatever I am! He kills all your faves and god damn, you are his witness.
what if it seems like batman has safehouses all over the country because he’s a paranoid maniac always ready to go into hiding in iowa, but actually he just goes on a lot of business trips for his day job and when he sees a cute house he buys it and stays there. he grew up in a big mansion with a butler, a house with only three rooms is like camping for him. he thinks it’s fun. he gets to play house and eat cereal for dinner. the flash accidentally committed some light treason and needs to lay low for a while so batman sets him up at this little place in maine. flash is like “wow he really does plan for everything” but no, he just saw an old queen anne with green shingle siding and white accents and he couldn’t help himself. it had a wraparound porch and a spire. a spire. technically it wasn’t in his carefully alloted ‘whims’ budget but he sold an extra yacht to make room. “geeze bats i get that it’s a safehouse but couldn’t you have stocked the pantry with something besides kix and peanut butter?” flash asks. “they’re shelf stable,” batman says, as if that is why he bought those things, as if this is not just What He Does when alfred leaves him unsupervised.
superman is generally pretty good about having good posture and
maintaining his broadcast english but when he’s not careful clark has a
tendency to get a l’il bit drawly and hitch his thumbs in his pockets/belt/whatever
sometimes when he’s thinking he gnaws on his lip and drums on his hipbones and it’s very upsetting to watch quite frankly, what the hell clark, that’s not fair
he owns a lot of bootleg superman shirts because he thinks it’s funny but doesn’t wear them outside the house
the first time he bought eggs from the store he completely fucking smashed an egg to fucking pieces and freaked out because he thought maybe he didn’t know his own strength and ma had to tell him to find a fucking farmer’s market and get some real eggs. it took like twenty minutes on the phone to convince him that everyone who’s used to farm fresh eggs does that. your powers are fine, clark. those eggshells are just weak.
he is generally very careful about being a respectable role model as superman so he likes it when it’s just him and diana and bruce on missions because they know who he is and he can loosen up and act like a fucking dork.
he’s very vigilant about his dental hygiene because he doesn’t know if it’s even possible for him to get a cavity but WHAT THE FUCK WOULD HE EVEN DO IF IT WAS. HOW COULD HE EVEN GET IT FILLED. CAN YOU IMAGINE.
sometimes as a gag batman will shove superman’s shoulder and superman will tip over but one time batman does it near a canyon and not only does superman go along with it, he pretends to fall in and makes the ‘goofy falling off a cliff’ noise when he does it and batman nearly hurts himself trying not to laugh and he’s so fucking pissed that joke was so dumb goddamn it clark go fuck yourself
He does get less mysterious! I mean, it becomes more public knowledge that his deal is World’s Greatest Detective, and not Giant Shadow Monster. But there are still very popular Jekyll and Hyde theories, and vampire theories, and werebat theories. And shadow powers are never entirely ruled out by the general populace. Or by Barry.
okay but that transitional period must have been insane. like. imagine if interpol had a conference and they were like ‘we’re switching out all our k-9 service dogs for chupacabra’, and there was this really long pause before a reporter goes, ‘excuse me, WHAT.’ and then everyone loses their shit. oh, yes, chupacabra are real. they’re very nice actually once you get to know them. they are in fact bloodthirsty creatures of the night but perfectly willing to cooperate with international security measures. here is one now. we’ve trained him to wave politely for the cameras.
like, here’s superman and wonder woman, everyone knows they’re heroes, everyone knows they’re badasses. but there they are standing right next to THE BATMAN, gotham’s weirdest fucking phenomenon, like they didn’t somehow talk a grim shadow made of vengeance and vampire magic into a photo op.
tbh i like to imagine that he still manages to avoid all photo ops and it’s extremely frustrating for everyone who isn’t batman
like “well they SAY batman was working with the league, but there’s only this one single picture with a big black blur behind everyone else, so maybe he just showed up and they’re trying to cover their asses??”
carefully positioning himself according to the time of day where he knows the lighting will be shit because it is exactly where a photographer would ask bruce wayne to please not stand
theories that batman is LITERALLY superman’s shadow because supes is a very convenient camera shield
good luck trying to get an action shot, it’s nothing but cape. is this a picture of batman fighting a kraken, or is it the world’s gothest shower curtain caught in a hurricane?? it’s impossible to be sure but take a lot of pictures and slap CONFIRMED on them anyway
what if it’s like how sometimes people try to sell everyone on melanistic lions and tigers. what if people just start photoshopping the lighting on superman all the way down and going CONFIRMED. what if that’s the hot new meme. just take a random JLA photo and burn-tool the absolute living fuck out of wonder woman or the martian manhunter or a stop sign and be like IT’S BATMAN.
does the movie iron giant exist within the dc universe and if so does the iron giant still want to be superman and if so how long does it take clark to stop crying
Lois: Why are you crying over the Iron Giant wanting to be Superman? Clark: *tearfully* WHY AREN’T YOU
Ever since I read the Never-ending Story at the age of nine, one of my favorite storytelling devices was a big story that has little unfinished stories splitting off the side. And Digger has that in spades: all the characters have their lives before and after Digger meets them, and all of those lives seem to be at least as complex and interesting as Digger’s own. So I’ve spent some time musing about the futures of some of the characters
I’m pretty sure Digger herself would live the busy and eventful, but completely unremarkable wombat’s life, once she got home. She’d get to work digging and building. She’d have a spouse, maybe a few other spouses depending on how the first one works out, eventually a bunch of kids. She would be kind and patient and take no shit from anybody, and she would talk about her travels only when someone asked her to. (Having an embarrassingly adventurous past is surprisingly common amongst wombats, after all the world always needs someone level-headed to clean up its messes.) After her death, Digger would be remembered for the tunnels criss-crossing the ground around the warren’s new hospital. They seem random and unnecessarily convoluted, but when flooded with the waters of the nearby hotwater spring, they give off just the right amount of heat to warm the aching bones of the convalescent.
Murai is a hero, isn’t she? Ganesh already said that one day she will decide the fate of the world, but he didn’t mention that she will do it multiple times. It’s sort of her day job. She travels with Captain Jhalm, and nominally they are still Veiled, devout followers of all gods’ wills, but in practice, they end up being quite the opposite. They are watchmen, and heaven is their jurisdiction: if a god were to fail in their duty or abuse their power, they have Sergeant Murai to deal with. After all, she has knowledge of killing and birthing gods. She created a goddess, looked her in the face and went mad at the sight, all before she was a grown woman: she knows fear, and she reserves it for the Dark Mother, she wastes it on no other. Jhalm and her look after each other like brother and sister, carefully guarding the evil within the other.
Grim-Eyes is a good hunt leader, if a little too rash, a little too bloodthirsty. But she will learn, slowly and with much grumbling: she will learn from Digger’s example and from the stories about a brave distant relative named Ed Demon-killer. (She knows he’s her father, but she never mentions it, not even to herself.) As she ages, she will probably learn to ‘do the thing’ the way Boneclaw Mother does, and talk people into doing exactly what she wants them to do. I think with a few decades of experience and listening, plus a good knowledge of poisons, Grim-Eyes might make be a good matriarch.
Surka will probably swear an eternal oath of alliance to the hyenas, then leave a few months later to find New Adventure. She will predictably have a string of weird picaresque adventures, becoming a courier, a highwayshrew and a lacemaker in the process. She will team up with Herne to find the antidote for being a stag. She will gather a herd of rogue winged rats, and drive them around like a cowgirl. Cowshrew? Shrews don’t live very long, so she might spend her old age as the Rath Hag’s familiar, being the only person who’s capable of matching her belligerence.
The Shadowchild’s fate I simply cannot fathom. It has eaten and absorbed a portion of ancient evil power, and then it has chosen to take upon itself the responsibility for all its kind. It will try to protect and teach feral baby demons, and all it has to go on is Digger’s advice, which is mostly ‘I don’t know, just try to do good.’ If everything goes well, eventually there will be a rather large family of shadowy beings in the world, all of whom follow a super weird, but ultimately benevolent moral system.
And Ed. Oh, Ed. He was terrified and helpless and he did something very brave, and at the cost of his life, he basically redeemed the original sin of the hyenas. A hyena who for the crime of He-Is suffered abuse, grief and exile was the one who succeeded in freeing He-Is from Sweetgrass Voice, even though it meant killing the both of them: in the long run, this is bound to have an effect on hyena cosmology. Maybe a few generations later, the young hyenas will start telling tales about a new deity, a scrawny male named He-Is-Fearful. He is smaller than She-Is-Fiercer, he is weaker, slower, cowardly. His claws are blunt, and yet he disembowels demons when he has to, for in his heart there is nothing but love and loyalty. He takes the first-born with him, to live in his hut and run with him through the tall grass. He is the god of males, of mating, of hospitality, of all unexpected, unasked-for kindnesses, of skin-painting.
because, like, okay I can buy that maybe he can disguise himself well enough to hide the fact that he’s superman, but i doubt any amount of slouching and glasses wearing can truly disguise that he’s a very tall EXTREMELY muscular man with a jawline that can cut glass.
So basically this newspaper office has this guy who looks like a weightlifter/supermodel just hanging around but he wears glasses and acts like a huge nerd and everyone just goes with it???
Like “Oh yeah, that’s Clark. No no he works here. Oh no don’t bother being intimidated by him, talk to him for five minutes and he’ll devolve into a lecture on proper tractor maintenance. We like Clark.”
I wonder if the ladies in the office ever drag him with them to bars so they don’t have to worry about creeps trying to harass them like “back off creeps our friend here is 6′4″ and grew up chucking hay bales” And then it’s funny because (as far as they know) Clark is like, the meekest lil nerd around. (He don’t look it though!!!!)
It’s just incredible to me that Clark Kent can pull off being a quiet harmless dork while still looking like, well, superman.
Do you think he occasionally turns up to the office Halloween party wearing a really shitty Batman costume?
first off, sleep. i’m using this site as a source because i might as well. does anything on this site have any scientific backing whatsoever? who knows, who cares, it looks legit and that’s all that matters for comic book science. now: a lot of people like to attribute the “ultraman” sleep schedule to batman because then he only has to sleep two hours:
however i believe that this is goddamn stupid because then bruce wayne has to take naps constantly. and i mean constantly. the only way this schedule works is if you stick to it. the first time batman has to pull a shift longer than four hours he’s completely fucked. his sleep schedule is screwed. he’s got no room for error. even when things are going well everyone in his life is worried about him because he’s constantly sleeping and always tired what the fuck. like maybe he does this occasionally because Shit Has Gotten Real but generally fuck no, why.
here’s what i think is more reasonable, it’s the “everyman”:
this here is a schedule with some wiggle room. you can pare it down to about 4 hours which still leaves you 20 hours to do whatever the fuck, up to and including clown punching. occasional all-nighters won’t kill you too much, because all you’ve really got to do is get rid of one of those gaps and sleep straight through and you’re back in business. to an outsider it even probably looks like you slept the night. you went to bed, you slept, maybe you got up in the night because of insomnia but you came back to bed and you woke up in the morning like a normal person. being the guy who makes a habit of an afternoon siesta isn’t going to raise too many eyebrows, especially not when you’re an Eccentric Billionaire. “likes a nap after lunch” is the least suspicious thing a billionaire can do. or a poor person. or anyone.
so step one: when is it nighttime. batmen are for nighttimes. batman only comes out during the day for emergencies, and we’re not looking at emergency scheduling right now. this is day-to-day batman operations. batperations. i’m using this site for info here. so here’s what day/night cycles look like in general (those weird fissures are daylight savings):
jun 18th you’ve barely got any nighttime at all. it’s 11-4 at best. dec 18th? TWELVE STRAIGHT HOURS. straight-up 6-6. I AM THE NIGHT AND I’M HUGE.
anyway this is so variable it’s fucking useless, jesus christ.
so let’s look at CRIME STATISTICS YAY.
according to this thing right here which probably has a better source but i don’t care, once you hit 3am there’s about jack shit happening because even criminals are fucking tired. according to this other thing, people are more likely to beat the shit out of each other when it’s hot and more likely to steal shit when it’s cold.
this infographic got cited earlier in a dead link in an article and includes dick-all about detroit so i’ll settle for chicago. gotham can be both detroit and chicago. it’s fake i do what i want. anyway aside from a weird spike at lunchtime most shootings happen after five but before midnight. assaults actually mostly happen during the day because that’s when you have to be around people and therefore that’s when you’ll punch a motherfucker. anyway i think we’ll have to assume that batman can’t be worrying about every single instance of a motherfucker getting punched in gotham and therefore does not account for it in his schedule.
robberies! once again the stats say 5pm-12 but it seems pretty likely that people are actually getting robbed while they’re at work and just reporting it when they get home and their shit is gone. still: ain’t shit happening after midnight. like a mogwai.
burgling, ham and otherwise: MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DAY. can you believe that shit. batman have you considered a less nocturnal animal. still, there’s a lull again between 12-6am. with theft there’s a lull between 1am-9am but otherwise that’s another all-day thing.
basically night is when the least crimes happen, except for shootings. which. okay. that makes sense for batman. clearly he has a personal interest in singling out shootings as The Worst Crime.
SO WHEN DOES BATMAN PROBABLY SLEEP:
4:30-7:30am for one big sleep. six hours later he takes an afternoon nap at like 1:30, for twenty minutes. three hours and forty minutes later, it’s 5:30, time for another twenty minute nap. he’s in his office just sleeping at his desk. no one even notices. he looks like he’s reading this report REALLY intensely. his third nap is probably all over the place depending on the time of year. sometimes he probably opts to just sleep longer and take fewer naps.
GOD IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHEN JUSTICE SLEEPS.
anyway based on all that we can safely say that batmanning usually doesn’t get started until after 6pm, at the earliest, under ordinary circumstances when no one is trying to blow up the whole city. that seems like a monthly sort of a thing. maybe biweekly depending on if you mean twice a week or every two weeks. most of the time, though, dude has between 3am and 6pm (MINIMUM) to sleep and run a company and do whatever else. so that’s 15 hours, minus four hours of sleep – 11 hours of who gives a fuck, and that’s assuming a long night of batman. bruce wayne ain’t workin’ 8 hour days i guarantee that. here’s the ceo of ge trying to sound busy and sounding like he does fuck-all so yeah sure i totes believe bruce wayne could do that guy’s job and also fight crime.
(what i think about how wayne enterprises is structured and bruce’s function within it is a whole nother bullshit post but tl;dr privately-held multinational conglomerate with a wayne as chairman and ceo)
(i actually like to treat wayne enterprises as analogous to ge for most purposes and while i am well aware that there is little to no precedent for a privately-held company to be that fukken huge, do you know what else is unprecedented: a batman)
there are probably going to be some nights when bruce has to stay up late entertaining guests at fancy parties, but again those are probably more of a once-or-twice-a-month kind of thing. unfortunately, fancy party hours are – according to this totally bullshit excuse for research – also Peak Crime Times. but if crime peaks on weekends, maybe wednesdays are chill. can you imagine bruce wayne constantly throwing parties on wednesdays, like an asshole. “why wednesdays???” sensible people ask. “to annoy you, and you specifically” he says. it makes his parties more exclusive. who can party on a wednesday night. only the coolest motherfuckers in gotham, that’s who. like super-cool bruce wayne who definitely passed out drunk and isn’t taking his regularly scheduled old-man nap.
i feel like there was supposed to be a point to this post but i think it’s mostly that there are actually plenty of hours in the day for a person to be both batman and bruce wayne, if you assume he’s an overachieving asshole that only sleeps four hours and builds a careful schedule around gotham’s crime statistics.
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