there are a lot of cringy school editions of les miserables but nothing tops the one my friends school made where Javert doesn’t take his life, instead he’s shot to death by valjean
Concept: Les Misérables (1862) but if Lemony Snicket was the author
Example: to Enjolras–darling, dearest, dead.
Chapter One
If you’re seeking a story whose tragic beginning is followed by a less-tragic middle and an inevitably uplifting denouement, this book should be avoided at all costs. The approximately six hundred and fifty-five thousand words that are about to follow contain the tales of several bright and brave young people who each meet an unfortunate end and several less-bright, less-young people, including myself, who unfortunately survive to recount the events. “Unfortunate” is a word which here means “luckless” and “miserable”, the latter definition having been used for the title of this novel, designed to dissuade you, the misguided reader, from continuing past the cover page.
There are other techniques I have employed in this book that are designed to stop you from yourself becoming miserable by reading this story in its entirety. Firstly, the physical novel, which as you may notice shares the same dimensions and weight as a standard housing brick, for the utmost inconvenience. Secondly, I have included several hundred pages of information which are both uninteresting and have little bearing on the grander story in the meager hope that you will come to your senses and place this novel back on your shelf or better, in a lit fireplace, where I solemnly believe it belongs.
For example, the use of candlesticks. The word “candlestick” is derived from the purpose of the item itself, that is an object, most often metal, commonly silver, in which one can stick a candle. Many dictionaries define “candlestick” as
“an often ornamental holder for securing a candle or candles”. “Candleholder” is another, less commonly used word for “candlestick”. Candlesticks come in a variety of forms and sizes, and can contain a variety of numbers of candles often demarcated by their names-a “trikirion” contains three candles and a “menorah” contains seven. If you have had the fortitude-a word which here means “strength of mind”-to make it this far through this dull paragraph, it may be of some note to say that the candlesticks with which we concern ourselves in this story are single candlesticks, that may each contain one candle.
Thirdly, not only have I named the main character in a redundant manner-Jean Valjean-I have decided to tell you here that Jean Valjean perishes on the final page of this novel. That is my story’s conclusion.
With all this information in mind, and having the ending already known, I now give you my final warning and pleading suggestion to forget about this book. Put it down. Hide it away. Bury it in a cemetery late at night with the assistance of a man named Fauchelevant. Forget it ever existed. For now the story must begin.
It begins in a town called Digne, on a grey and dreary night under the roof of a very kind but elderly and poor man, the bishop of the town, whose name was Myriel.
The Bishop: you have to be cruel to be kind, no wait the other thing, you have to do nice things. phew, could have caused a lot of problems
Javert:my disregard for gravity was the true cause of my downfall
Tholomyes: irreparable damage has been done in that i cant be bothered to fix it
Thenardier: as the number one spiritual figure in your life my spiritual guidance and advice is to send me money
Fantine:you can save money on hair cuts by running a hunting knife through your hair, then you have some extra cash to spend on hospital bills
Gavroche: cant live in ribcage of dinosaur skeleton at the museum, cant live in giant inflatable gorilla at the caryard. no place for me in this world
Gillenormand : in a way aren’t we all responsible for my actions
Mabeuf: hoping birds dont notice your coin purse is just a hot pocket with the filling emptied out
Marius: looks like it is going to be smooth sailing from now on for me and some eggs i have put all into one basket
Theodule: some say i am so shallow and vapid in life but i literally just love to be that like all the time right now its so true
Eponine:if you want something done you have to just forget about it and move on with your life, theres no point in expecting anything from anyone
Montparnasse: my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Enjolras: i am too busy living an important life to care about the solstice
Combeferre: some say killing people is the answer to the problems, me personally i think killing people is bad to do because im not a horrible monster
Jean Prouvaire: dead people taking up all the good graves, some of us alive folks want to be in the grave too you know
Feuilly: i could sit on power lines too if the world would stop keeping me down
Courfeyrac: it happens to the best of us, the best of us such as me, out of both of us im the best one, probably too great to give you usable advice
Bahorel: if the bible has taught us anything its that you have to fight for your right to party. a song? oh then i guess it taught us nothing then
Bossuet: there should be a limit to the number of curses and hexes you can have put on you, this is getting ridiculous
Joly: back in the frankenstein times you could make a monster whenever you wanted, these days you have to have a license or something i guess
Grantaire: everything is going to be ruined so just dont worry, have a relax
Louis Phillipe: when the sun goes out, the air turns to fire, and the streets run red with blood, i am probably to blame for it
National Guard: stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Cosette: i am a big fan of all the famous internet cats and hope they live long and happy lives
Valjean : my whole life has lead up to this moment, being dead in a grave
Enjolras: I have created a revolutionary.
Grantaire: You’ve fucked up a perfectly good cynic is what you’ve done. Look at me. I’m having beliefs.
So there is a japanese fighting PC game based on les miserables……it’s called Arm Joe (based on the Japanese title of Les Mis, Aa Mujou). I’m finally getting around to playing it and oh my am I ready for an interesting evening
I’m ready 4 these schoolboys
Enjolras buried me underneath an entire fucking barricade and pretty mericlessly killed me immediately afterwards
who the fuck is this. is this like beserker mode javert
there’s also a robot valjean
This innocent who bears my face
Who goes to judgement in my place
Who am I?
great now i have to kill a fuckin rabbit
i actually got really far into the game but then marius absolutely fucking destroyed me
his big move is literally getting on top of you and head butting you until you die
he also summons the skeletons of his dead friends to help him
jean valjean dragged your dying ass through the sewers and THIS is how you repay him?????
I just finished reading “Cosette” The Sequel to Les Miserables” by Laura Kalpakian. For those who do not know, this book is basically a 650-page (kinda shitty) fanfic that somehow was published as a real, purchasable book sometime in the 1990′s. Here are some of my favorite moments:
A quote from Javert: “Republican scum like you can’t
overthrow the king of France. One day more and you’ll piss blood. I’ll meet you
in hell.”
A quote from Valjean: “She is seventeen, too young to
be in love. She is a child. This Marius, he is nothing to her. She wanted a
puppy once and I said no and she got over it.”
Enjolras scrambles to the top of the barricade and just….screams SHIT!
For some reason in the whole barricade part in the beginning
Combeferre is the ami that gets the most attention
The only amis that are mentioned are: Combeferre, Enjolras,
Feuilly, and Courfeyrac. The only ami that gets mentioned beyond the 1832
barricade section is Feuilly because of the whole “vivent les
peuples!” thing written on the wall of the Musain. Which, btw, the author
always writes as “vive les peuples!”
Actually the author made up some OCs in the barricade
section so there could be some barricade survivors for Marius and Cosette to
interact with later in the book
“You will hang by your cock in hell.”
For some reason whenever Jean Valjean is mentioned in the
first portion of the book, he is described as having large, powerful hands
Cosette had no sex education and so on her wedding night she
asked Marius to teach her. And he just gestures to her boobs and says “this is a nipple.” It is the only thing he vocally says to her and
then he is kissing her boobs and they go at it. I kid you not this is the big
amazing wedding sex scene and the most notable line is “this is a
nipple”
Remember the whole absolutely no sex education thing? Well
they somehow have amazing sex all night long regardless
Azelma is the main antagonist in the book. Also she is
ALWAYS referred to as Zelma. I don’t know where the A went. It’s gone forever I
guess.
A quote from Thenardier: “I am one of those holy men. I
can walk in shit, sit in shit, sleep in shit, eat shit, drink shit, and still
my turds come out in perfect golden bricks.”
Marius regularly goes to prison like it’s a casual thing
that happens often which is an inconvenience but you know what are ya gonna do
Marius and Cosette raise the biggest asshole of a son there
is literally nothing redeeming about him
Azelma ‘Zelma’ Thenardier literally fucked Louis-Napoleon and had a
child with him.
She named the child Eponine.
Azelma feels like she needs to take revenge against Cosette
for the whole Marius thing and she basically uses her daughter Eponine II to
fulfill that, as if ensuring Eponine II is successful will make ghost Eponine
happy
Speaking of Eponine II there is an entire subplot where
Azelma manages to force the son of Cosette and Marius to marry Eponine
II……because she felt that her sister Eponine should have married
Marius……..so like, by marrying her daughter Eponine to a Pontmercy she’s
fulfilling some kind of lost destiny shit. And also taking revenge against
Cosette. Azelma is really freaky in this okay
Cosette disguises herself as an old beggar due to a mixture
of political and economic reasons and calls herself “the plumed lark”
when she is in her disguise. Weirdest superhero ever amiright
Marius sneaks out of prison dressed up as the plumed lark
THERE IS A SEX SCENE THAT TAKES PLACE WITH ONE PERSON HIDDEN
UNDERNEATH A HOOP SKIRT
i am not fucking with you. “this is a nipple” is probably the most iconic part of the book
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