I remember when I was 9 years old neopets taught me what cum meant. Not what an orgasm is, but what the word cum meant. I was postin on the neoboards, doing my 9 year old thing, and all of a sudden I was kicked off the forum and blocked????? I was like what the fuck I’m 9 I just want to talk about my jubjub?? (his name was JubInATub how clever is that I know). So I investigated and it said I had been soft banned for using inappropriate language, and it had the word like censored and I had to click on it to see what it said, so I do and I see the word CUM written in bold red letters, plain as the morning sun, strung up and exposed to the brisk wind like freshly laundered linens, and was understandably offended like??? Cum on guys this has to be a mistake I was just asking what was the best time to cum to the ice caves and try to sneak some free shit from that ice snake bitch, that thing was ALWAYS awake. So my bitty 9 y/o brain was like what the hell neopets, maybe they just don’t understand Internet Lingo like obviously I was using a Hip and Cool instant message shorthand to save my precious 9 y/o time (a girls got shit to do like damn). So I was like let’s lay this to rest, I’m gonna google search this shit, screen shot the definition and send it in an email to the CEO Mr. Neopet himself, lay down some knowledge on these fogies. So my sweet little innocent fingers pull up Google dot com and type in the letters C-U-M expecting validation and let me tell you friends, what I found shocked my innocent child psyche to the core. The root of who I was got ripped to shreds, obliterated by the wood chipper that is this cruel and disgusting world we live in. That day changed me, it was a crossroads of my life and I was thrust down a path that I have yet to return from.
Baroness Lubinska who presided over the famous duel between Princess Pauline Metternich and the Countess Kielmannsegg in 1892, insisted that the duelists remove their clothing above their waists to avoid infection in the event that a sword pushed clothing into the wound it caused. Being a doctor, the baroness had seen many instances of septic infection in soldiers for this very reason throughout her years of medical training.
“The cause of the duel is reputed to be an argument over arrangements for the Vienna Musical and Theatrical Exhibition.” – I like these ladies.
I arrive at the duel
sword: sharpened
sepsis: prevented
tits: out
I AM FORCIBLY EJECTED FROM THE VIENNA MUSICAL AND THEATRICAL EXHIBITION
so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count
holy f uck jane
its a serious question
well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.
new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing
no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.
you gotta digest it.
so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?
huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?
Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”
“you what now”
i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic
now that u said it im really surprised as well
what the fuck did i just read
Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?
I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.
I’m not convinced by this, actually!
Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”
But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:
“I’ll do you this favor, but if you don’t guess my name you’ll have to give me your first-born child.”
“You’re gonna be real good at everything but when you’re 16 you’re gonna prick your finger and die.”
“You loaned me $2 for the bus when I looked like a beggar, so now here’s a literal pile of gold and shit.”
Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.
The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.
(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to helpyou leave.)
Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.
And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”
Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years.
Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”
“you what now”
This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.
(I can’t believe I made a daki of a virus and yet I can believe it entirely and it’s great)@slimesurgeon
So how do we get these really mass produced and share the MOUNTAIN of profits my amazing sexy character designs would undoubtedly just rake and rake in
I just finished reading “Cosette” The Sequel to Les Miserables” by Laura Kalpakian. For those who do not know, this book is basically a 650-page (kinda shitty) fanfic that somehow was published as a real, purchasable book sometime in the 1990′s. Here are some of my favorite moments:
A quote from Javert: “Republican scum like you can’t
overthrow the king of France. One day more and you’ll piss blood. I’ll meet you
in hell.”
A quote from Valjean: “She is seventeen, too young to
be in love. She is a child. This Marius, he is nothing to her. She wanted a
puppy once and I said no and she got over it.”
Enjolras scrambles to the top of the barricade and just….screams SHIT!
For some reason in the whole barricade part in the beginning
Combeferre is the ami that gets the most attention
The only amis that are mentioned are: Combeferre, Enjolras,
Feuilly, and Courfeyrac. The only ami that gets mentioned beyond the 1832
barricade section is Feuilly because of the whole “vivent les
peuples!” thing written on the wall of the Musain. Which, btw, the author
always writes as “vive les peuples!”
Actually the author made up some OCs in the barricade
section so there could be some barricade survivors for Marius and Cosette to
interact with later in the book
“You will hang by your cock in hell.”
For some reason whenever Jean Valjean is mentioned in the
first portion of the book, he is described as having large, powerful hands
Cosette had no sex education and so on her wedding night she
asked Marius to teach her. And he just gestures to her boobs and says “this is a nipple.” It is the only thing he vocally says to her and
then he is kissing her boobs and they go at it. I kid you not this is the big
amazing wedding sex scene and the most notable line is “this is a
nipple”
Remember the whole absolutely no sex education thing? Well
they somehow have amazing sex all night long regardless
Azelma is the main antagonist in the book. Also she is
ALWAYS referred to as Zelma. I don’t know where the A went. It’s gone forever I
guess.
A quote from Thenardier: “I am one of those holy men. I
can walk in shit, sit in shit, sleep in shit, eat shit, drink shit, and still
my turds come out in perfect golden bricks.”
Marius regularly goes to prison like it’s a casual thing
that happens often which is an inconvenience but you know what are ya gonna do
Marius and Cosette raise the biggest asshole of a son there
is literally nothing redeeming about him
Azelma ‘Zelma’ Thenardier literally fucked Louis-Napoleon and had a
child with him.
She named the child Eponine.
Azelma feels like she needs to take revenge against Cosette
for the whole Marius thing and she basically uses her daughter Eponine II to
fulfill that, as if ensuring Eponine II is successful will make ghost Eponine
happy
Speaking of Eponine II there is an entire subplot where
Azelma manages to force the son of Cosette and Marius to marry Eponine
II……because she felt that her sister Eponine should have married
Marius……..so like, by marrying her daughter Eponine to a Pontmercy she’s
fulfilling some kind of lost destiny shit. And also taking revenge against
Cosette. Azelma is really freaky in this okay
Cosette disguises herself as an old beggar due to a mixture
of political and economic reasons and calls herself “the plumed lark”
when she is in her disguise. Weirdest superhero ever amiright
Marius sneaks out of prison dressed up as the plumed lark
THERE IS A SEX SCENE THAT TAKES PLACE WITH ONE PERSON HIDDEN
UNDERNEATH A HOOP SKIRT
i am not fucking with you. “this is a nipple” is probably the most iconic part of the book
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