Okay in my house we have a strange tradition. My mother builds this beautiful Christmas village.
It wraps all around our house through the rooms and under the trees and it’s wonderful.
Every year she hides the Christmas Vampire
This started when I was a very small got child and spread to all of my friends, including my best friend from elementary school who I just so happened to grow up and marry. Now that we have grown up and moved nearly 600 miles away we still always go home for a week at Christmas for multiple reasons, including the Christmas Vampire.
Needless to say we still partake and things have gotten heated.
Stay tuned for the epic conclusion and to see my husband and father in Lin-Manuel Miranda’s sooty costume when I find the Christmas Vampire First!
Happy Haunting!
Dad has no fricken clue how to trash talk and I don’t trust him in the slightest.
The saga continues. Mom hasnt finished the village yet and it’s starting to get to her….
Hahahaha, I mean I love this on multiple levels. But what really threw it over the top was the mom’s anxiety over the world-building and city design being right. I feel you vampire-hiding mom, I feel you.
Every time somebody refers to vampires as “draculas” I picture, like, a vampire suburb, and the Draculas are that one family that’s conspicuously wealthier than all the other families that everybody low-key hates. They roll up at a neighbourhood social and folks are like “oh, fuck, it’s the Draculas, okay, gotta play nice HEEEEEY VLAD!”
(The Draculas are, of course, embroiled in a long-running passive aggressive feud with the Wolfmans down the block. Naturally neither family would ever openly acknowledge it, but everyone knows.)
I realize the tags say werewolves, but it’s funnier to me if the Wolfmans are also vampires but because they’re sensitive about their name they’re really conspicuous about being vampiric, which is probably the source of the feud because conspicuous vampirism is the Draculas’ whole -deal-.
Maybe the Wolfmans are vampires who turn into wolves while every other family in the neighborhood turns into bats, and they’re really touchy about getting called werewolves behind their backs – which of course everybody does, because suburban vampires are just awful.
I mean, Dracula originally turned into a wolf just as much as a bat,
before pop culture shifted the public’s mental association closer to
bats.
That could also be a point of feud too.
The Draculas have a complicated relationship with the fact that their patriarch could transform into both a bat and a wolf. The neighborhood has quietly agreed to just avoid bringing it up in their presence.
So of course the Wolfmans bring it up constantly. Not, you know, as a topic for discussion or anything – it’s just downright uncanny how often that little fact seems to come up in passing!
The Wolfmans’ daughter is coming up on her Bat Mitzvah, and the jokes about it are gonna get someone FUCKING MAULED.
While we’re on the topic of Halloween for the entire month, I want to know why vampire or werewolf stories constantly pit werewolves and vampires against each other? If I’m remembering it right in novel Dracula it’s shown or at least heavily implied Dracula can turn into a dog/wolf so the rivalry doesn’t make any sense. If anything vampires (or at least Dracula) should see a werewolf and say “oh sick me too”
It’s canon
the actual only difference between a werewolf and a vampire is if your a jock or a goth
so many modern vampire stories avoid giving them the power to turn into bats, probably out of the fear that it is too silly and uncool but this is cowardice, the best thing about vampires is they are stupid as shit, and any vampire media should embrace that
Imagine one of those vampires that spent a few decades napping and now they’re trying to catch up as best they can so they’re in a library looking through years of old magazines and overhear some middle-schooler discussing her project about the moon-landing and they’re like “WHAT!!!”
“You have to tell me everything about this!!!”
A confused but enthusiastic sixth-grader unfolds her trifold poster board and tells an absolutely captivated 3000 year old man-eater about the space race.
More like “I LITERALLY HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN THROUGH THE RECONSTRUCTION ERA PLEASE TAG SPOILERS”
I’M!!
“Have you gotten to Franz Ferdinand being shot yet?” An Austrian Vampire, angrily looking up from a ninth-grade history book: “are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??”
“yeah you know…lincoln doesnt get reelected” Vampire: “well why NOT he seems perfectly capable and oooh…oh…”
FRICK
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
“So, you know pluto isn’t a planet, right?”
*Vampire chucks astronomy book written in 1994 at the person*
Imagine the vampire asking people who killed JFK and they’re all like ‘no one knows’ and the vampire just sighs and says ‘ok I know I said no spoilers but this is just getting ridiculous. someone tell me.”
Why aren’t Fruit Bat Vampires a thing???? Like they have 15 fridges or somehing and are obsessed with watermelons and pineapples. They are more day-light and people friendly. Like super chill. They love just chilling in flowerbeds. They like to farm and garden. “Why would you attack a human WHEN YOU COULD HAVE THIS NECTARINE??”
…that’s adorable I need one.
Always drinking fruit juice, always inviting you to the damn smoothie bar, always at the damn farmer’s market
I may know a few of those.
“Drink of the Kombucha of Immortality, and gain life eternal!”
[vampire smirk] “May I come in?”
“FUCK YEAH YOU CAN BRO, GET IN HERE AND HAVE YOURSELF A V8”
Imagine one of those vampires that spent a few decades napping and now they’re trying to catch up as best they can so they’re in a library looking through years of old magazines and overhear some middle-schooler discussing her project about the moon-landing and they’re like “WHAT!!!”
“You have to tell me everything about this!!!”
A confused but enthusiastic sixth-grader unfolds her trifold poster board and tells an absolutely captivated 3000 year old man-eater about the space race.
More like “I LITERALLY HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN THROUGH THE RECONSTRUCTION ERA PLEASE TAG SPOILERS”
I’M!!
“Have you gotten to Franz Ferdinand being shot yet?” An Austrian Vampire, angrily looking up from a ninth-grade history book: “are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??”
@thebibliosphere mom mom mom you should totally write something like this it’d be great please
it legitimately cracks me up when people start things out with “mom mom mom” I love it. This is also highly amusing and good food for thought.
So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.
Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.
If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.
Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.
Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.
Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.
Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.
MATH NERD VAMPIRES
If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.
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